留话

留话
请在长音之后叹气
留话
请留话
请在我说完后哭泣
我不在这里
我不在这里
请在哔一声之后留下自己的秘密
请在哔一声之后对话筒沾沾自喜
请在哔一声之后对空气唉声叹气
我不在这里
我人在哪里
我想到哪里
请在哔一声之后留下有趣的话题
请在哔一声之后分担感情的问题
请在哔一声之后某某名字别提
你要找的人不在
不想给任何人寻觅
你现在要找的人正在娱乐着自己
抱歉你要找的人不在想说什么都来不及
你现在要找的人不需要姊妹兄弟
你要找我已经没关系已经来不及
你现在要找的人自己同样在寻觅
谁要陪我
我在玩寻人游戏

执迷不悔

作曲:袁惟仁
作词:王靖雯

这一次我执著面对
任性地沈醉
我并不在乎
这是错还是对
就算是深陷
我不顾一切
就算是执迷
我也执迷不悔

*别人说我应该放弃
应该睁开眼
我用我的心
去看去感觉
你并不是我
又怎黱了解
就算是执迷
就让我执迷不悔

我不是你们想的如此完美
我承认有时也会辨不出真伪
并非我不愿意走出迷堆
只是这一次
这次是自己而不是谁

#要我用谁的心去体会
真真切切地感受周围
就算痛苦
就算是泪
也是属於我的伤悲

我还能用谁的心去体会
真真切切地感受周围
就算疲倦
就算是累
也只能执迷不悔

隔岸绿茵

我站在门外

又一次失落于主流之外

我争求过

却敌不过命运安排

实验室意外

叫人意兴阑珊

旁看你们的自在

只能暗自悲哀

自我安慰

不过是二奶心态

不想谄媚

只会显得我没能耐

知足常乐

真是无奈

有时会想拿不到正统培训的人怎样自学成材。

有时觉得只是自己这山望着那山高：

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

择食

若人生是场筵席，

我是个不知足的饕餮。

想尝遍菜单上的菜肴

想享尽天下美味

奈何人生的筵席

每人只能享有一道主菜

我暂定于一点

却点了太多副食

期望可以大小通吃

是我太不知足

还是我对自己的选择没有信心？

每每饥不择食

总是狼吞虎咽

何时才能死心塌地

专心咀嚼？

点菜之前请决定

因为有些菜，点了就无法送回

副食真不能成主菜吗？

Berani kerana benar

我钦佩你

执取一爿教义

终身实践不缀

听你述说

伸张真义

愿为真理

誓死不屈

为真理而勇敢

原谅我不知道什么是真理

我曾汲汲追求

真理却扑朔迷离

“因为他们在歧途上寻找”

甜美的笑容令人不设防

我找不到辨驳的余地

抑或我已失去了辩论的意志

为什么要插手

为什么要搅和

你的回应坚定而确信

我的指摘益发软弱无力

“因为他们不觉真义

否则应当明了

这就是罪”

“父，原谅他们吧！他们不知道自己做了什么。”

两千年前也有个人发出同样的吁叹

他仰望天空

阳光刺眼 天堂无言

他俯视人群

世人仍不悔改

悲天悯人的情怀

我离开后

希望有10人能够继承我的工作

宣扬真义

拯救世界

我就不憾此生了

你微笑述说

我僵笑回应

周日的午后

金色的阳光轻轻洒下

我忽然透不过气来

《以父之名》

微凉的晨露沾湿黑礼服石板路有雾父在低诉
无奈的觉悟只能更残酷一切都为了通往圣堂的路
吹不散的雾隐没了意图谁轻柔踱步停住
还来不及哭穿过的子弹就带走温度

我们每个人都有罪犯著不同的罪
我能决定谁对谁又该要沈睡
争论不能解决在永无止境的夜
关掉你的嘴唯一的恩惠

挡在前面的人都有罪后悔也无路可退
以父之名判决那感觉没有适合字汇
就像边笑边掉泪凝视著完全的黑
阻挡悲剧蔓延的悲剧会让我沈醉

*低头亲吻我的左手换取被宽恕的承诺
老旧管风琴在角落一直一直一直伴奏
黑色帘幕被风吹动阳光无言的穿透
洒向那群被我驯服后的兽

沈默的喊叫沈默的喊叫孤单开始发酵
不停对著我嘲笑回忆逐渐延烧
曾经纯真的画面残忍的温柔出现脆弱时间到我们一起来祷告?

#仁慈的父我已坠入看不见罪的国度请原谅我的自负
没人能说没人可说好难承受荣耀的背后刻著一道孤独

闭上双眼我又看见当年那梦的画面天空是蒙蒙的雾
父亲牵著我的双手轻轻走过清晨那安安静静的石板路

第三者言

我从来没被一段关系如此威逼。

短短五天，我目睹了感情的演化，经历思绪的激荡。

我被迫要正视感情的本质，思考我一直在逃避的问题。

第一天

你们的坦言让我谅解，也让我的存在顿时变得碍眼。

我企图若无其事，但脑海兀自起伏不定。

我不禁庆幸自己没有失言。引人注目来证明自己的存在是件愚蠢的事。

君子当慎言、慎行，尤其在恋人面前。

还好我还没有出糗，不过现在我可以糗你们了。

恋人的不由自主，言不由衷，我都看在眼里，可笑哉。

第二天

脑海中仍盘旋着基督教的communion 的概念。每个人都有想要和别人连结的欲望，基督教宣称自己在组织修行这方面比东方宗教优越得多。

Connectedness，连结。

人到了一个年纪就会想要和别人连结，不管是情感上的依靠或身体的接触。

不该屈服于这种欲望啊。那念头就像因为喜欢教团的氛围而入教，对我来说都是不可理解的。

我开始哼唱陈升的《恨情歌》：于是我叫我自己恨情歌，假装我不在乎

街上情侣成双，我又能羡慕些什么？

第三天

恋爱是拥有，紧紧地抱在怀中生怕会失去。

然后拥有变成占有，执爱成碍，嫉妒而执著，不可理喻。

被迫限制对某一方的关心

限制言论或玩笑

限制肢体接触

觉得感情对友情构成压力

三人行，必有人落单焉。

也许这次旅行不是我的日子

我不想抢镜头

于是开始自我遗弃

疏远你们

保持距离

远远眺望

你们的亲昵让我无言以对

只能为自己的尴尬开脱

如果你硬要问我感情事，

我只能说我已经死心

不敢苛求不想麻烦

我能强求些什么？

第四天

查理桥上

忽然滂沱

你们共撑一把伞

偌大的雨点

把你们的肩膀都淋湿了

湿透的脸庞

我可以看见你们的欢欣

聚拢后相拥，感受彼此的温暖

也许相恋的意义就在于苦乐与共

相濡以沫，同甘共苦

我方悟

付出和牺牲让爱升华

我可以借醉盘问，不过我选择轻松聊起

但不管我如何佯装轻松

我实在无法掩饰惊讶

开始明白

每个人都有伪装的理由

我没有坦诚的义务。

因为那是个人隐私，无需公告天下。

于是大家都被蒙在鼓里

可是你能隐瞒到何时？

你不觉得欠朋友一个交待吗？

《恍然大悟》：

我终于到现在才恍然大悟
我们谁也无法将谁说服
既然我已想清楚决定选择孤独
也顾不到你眼里的薄雾

第五天

《圣诞结》

落单的恋人最怕过节
只能独自庆祝尽量喝醉
我爱过的人没有一个留在身边
寂寞它陪我过夜

没有感情寄托

只能夜夜买醉

但老实说酒品还真便宜

今晚应该大醉一场

第六天

头痛

不想再想了

事不关己，劳心作何？

Animals Rights

Cats. After several futile attempts to capture them, it seems that they have learned their lesson. The old trick just does not work anymore. So I decided to stop feeding them as a form of penalty.

Arguably, They have no obligations to entertain me, certainly no obligation to be kept captive.

However, I have no duty over their well being too. If they died of hunger that is just none of my business. Since they resist domestication, there is no reason I shall feed them like a domestic pet.

Duty and rights are inseparable. They are not entitle to rights without fulfilling their duty.

Animal duty? Does it sound ridiculous?

If the notion of duty is crazy, so does the notion of animal rights. See rebuttals

I only accept the notion that human have the duty over nature and animals.

Sounds too anthropocentric?

Some vegetarianism movement claims that we should not eat meat because animals have the right to live without sufferings. They claim that meat-eaters are selfish, anthropocentric people that think that human are superior so we can sacrifice other animals for our consumption.

I have a friend who is a true believer of animal equality, and, meat eating.

He does not believe that human are in anyway more special than animals. We are better off only because we are luckier.

Based on this notion human are free to eat animals, precisely because animals are free to eat human too!

Sounds plausible to me though. (no rebuttal found)

So he has no blame to be devoured by a tiger as that is how nature works.

Anyway, back to animal rights. Even if cats are endowed with some rights, for instance the right to maintain indifference and cool, they just can't just stay cool forever. They need to learn to sacrifice some of their rights in exchange of some benefits. The smart ones will know when to act stupid and get rewarded out of human’s satisfaction.

But sometimes there are just excessive intervention from some third party which we call XX rights watchdog. These are the staunch advocates of rights for the group of people that do not need it.

At one point in time they decided that any private firm with at least one disabled employee need to have disability support facilities.

Then a lot of disabled people suddenly found their application being rejected by many private companies, especially those smaller ones, precisely because of their disability.

Being overprotective effectively preclude them from getting what they want.

Rights is an essential thing for most people but it is never necessary for survival. I hope the cats will realize this soon.

11 Issues For ethical consideration

[Review of Ethics week 18-24 Feb]

Sunday: Genocide

What shall we do with the felons if they are your grandparents?

The tragic collision of the Tasmanians and Whites led to conflict almost as soon as British sealers and settlers arrived that island around 1800. Whites kidnapped Tasmanian kids as labourers, kidnapped women as consorts, mutilated or killed men, trespassed on hunting grounds, and tried to clear Tasmanians off their ground. As a result, the native population of Northern Tasmanians in November 1830 had been reduced to 72 adult men, 3 adult women, and no children. Later four shepherds ambushed a group of natives, killed 30 and threw their bodies over a cliff remembered today as Victory Hill.

Many whites on the Australia mainland envied the thoroughness of the Tasmanian solution and wanted to imitate the extermination. The government formed a branch of mounted police termed Native Police, who used search-and destroy tactics to kill or drive out Aborigines. A typical strategy was to surround a camp at night and shoot the inhabitants in an attack at dawn. They also made widespread use of poisoned food to kill Aborigines. The Aborigines were too numerous to exterminate, nevertheless since the arrival of British colonist in 1788, the population of Aborigines slumped from 300,000 to 60,000 in 130 years.

In the same period of time major genocides of greater scale were being carried out all around the world. In the US, more than one million of Indians were massacred over two centuries. See also genocides in history.

[excerpt from The Rise and Fall of the Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond]

How shall you react when you realise that the country today’s achievement is derived from the bloody extermination of somebody else?

享受着先祖辛劳开荒及屠杀旁人的成果，良心何以安？

Monday: Abortion

The condom just break…

Let’s set aside the hard cases: rape victims, babies jeopardizing maternal lives. When a women accidentally get pregnant is she entitled to a choice? The pro-life people object any attempt to abort the foetus, claiming that they are standing up for rights of the unborn babies. The proponents question why shall a women be condemned and stuck with the baby which can change herself profoundly. In this male dominated society women tend to be the passive recipients in sexual relationship and whenever anything happen they are the one to bear the consequences while men continue to fool around with impunity. Do women have a choice over her own body? Is the society obsession with maternal capacity degrading women into a mere vessel for reproduction? Can she say ‘no’ to unplanned pregnancy?

On the other hand argument by Practicality always begin with the line: “let’s face the reality…” Abortion is a fact and it is happening everyday. Why not legalize it so that you can regulate it? The current system does not prevent the people from having abortion abroad and it only discriminate the poor people. Then the line continues so to appeal to morality concern: Criminalizing it isn’t going to stop person that want to abort from getting it from some where else; conversely, legalizing it won't make people that anti-abortion go for it. After all it boils down to individual value judgment. Personal morality shall be confined to church and the church shall not interfere with the secular to establish morality.

Tuesday: Genetic counselling

The burden of information and the right to not know

If you know that you have a chance of becoming dementia at the age of 40, do you really want to confirm the disease?

It is a painful decision for the physician, but probably more painful for the proband himself. It is a decision that can potentially change the outlook of the rest of your life. For anyone aspiring to become a doctor, the medical degree, internship plus the postgraduate training and specialisation will probably take you 20 years before you could reach the position of a consultant. However If you are going to develop Huntington’s disease in your 40s you might want to reconsider your career planning. But do you really want to know? How if the result is positive? That’s like being sentenced to death penalty and all you can do is just wait for the day to come. Can you imagine a life marching inexorably to a tragic end at the definite time? To tell or not to tell?

只要一日不确认，都还能心存侥幸；当一切已成定局，悲剧只是迟早的。保护病人的不知情权：说还是不说？

Tuesday: Normative Ethics

Establishing the theory

I think ethics is socially constructed as in the case of genocide above. If I were the white settlers in Australia and it appears to be completely permissible to kill the native in order to get the land. Judging by today’s standard and the universal ethics code, genocide is certainly wrong and most probably the most horrendous crime of the human species. But the question is: is there a universal ethical code?

真的有放诸四海皆准的规范吗？

Ethics

Tuesday: Concealment

Honesty may not be the best policy

If you were Christina would you cover up for Dr. Burke? I guess most people will, plus she is also gaining from this inappropriate symbiosis. Above all “There is no malpractice there!” as Dr. Weber exclaimed. But then he talk privately to Dr. Burke: “the hand worth two millions, I want you to get it fixed.” That sounds more like his main consideration in deciding his course of action. From a utilitarian point of view, his action is indisputable.

Why risk losing an experienced surgeon when he can still do his job? His sacking is nothing beneficial to the hospital and patients. In light of this, the chief tacitly use the term “malpractice” which connotes “practise in a ruthless manner with scant regard of the patient’s interest.” Apparently Dr. Burke is not harming human’s life but arguably they are putting the patients at greater risk, which is why George refused him operating on his dad when he found out the truth.

Wednesday: Infidelity

You committed yourself only to find that your partner is two-timing you

我以为你已经选择了我，没想到你还在三心两意。

Feeling cheated is the look on Dr. Dev’s face when I told him that I am also applying to other places, implying that he is not my only choice and I might opt for other offers and forsake him. I know I am in a ugly situation, just like the infidel husband confessing his affairs to the angry wife. I have to explain clearly before he get mad and decline my application at all. This shall not turn out to be a zero sum situation or either-me-or-she situation. I tried to quote Ms. Boylan words: you might not be getting any offer at all so just apply everything. I effectively shifted all the responsibility to she: it is her advice, while I continue to act innocent. The technique is taught by our clinical tutor: shift the decision making to patient and I am just applying the same the principle here.

Go to the sequel

Now I am being double-crossed

Just to be fair…

Thursday: Atheism

Can science eventually replace religion and will it heralds a collapse of morality?

I only knew Richard Dawkins is the Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford University. All along he has always been well known for his work on the selfish gene, he appeared to be a keen social biologist based on evolution science. In his book The God Delusion, he argued for atheism as superior substitute for religion.

Friday: Taking advantage

Poverty in mind

有人说：爱占别人便宜的人是心理贫穷。

When taking advantage is viewed as smart, nobody ever mind about integrity any more. As far as remember, Integrity is never a value in the moral textbooks. Integrity is not like honesty or being truthful, it is something like being righteous and hold on to principles. It is a virtue that is hard to come by in a society where everyone is (try to be) smart. People learn how to bend the rules for their own advantages, taking public stuffs for personal use, exploit public goods especially the free ones… how do people think of taking public toilet paper back home? Does such petty act constitute a violation of ethics or it never matter?

Friday: Backstabbing

There is a limit on how ethical one can be…

顺得哥来失嫂意

I think there is an ethical constrain on how ethical one can be. Arguably it is impossible to do no harm: the fact that you have a fleshy body that needs to be taken care of means that at some stage of your life you inevitably have harmed some animals and the environment to sustain your lives. Resources are scarce and everyone has to compete for survival in the society. Referring to the Wednesday event, I just want to secure my place and I can't bet everything on a single application. However this inevitably means that I am using up other people chances.

Friday: Rights

How can the personal right be justified?

为一己私利负天下人，可为吗？

Sometimes I don’t like using pedestrian traffic light when crossing roads. I know I have the right but I just don’t like to trouble everyone else. It does not appear to be right to stop twenty cars just for one person to cross the road. But sometimes people just choose to exercise their rights and do whatever they like without considering people’s feeling.

Are they being selfish?

Wednesday: Compensation Ethics

Can your prior misfortune redeem you of something in return?

塞翁丢失了马，就可以名正言顺地牵回别人的马吗？

Surprise, it’s sweet!

这个新年有肉松和肉干吃，托妈妈千里邮寄的福。

我嚼着肉干，忽然想起去年我和Emily 分享肉松的事。她试了一口，用难以置信的眼神望着我：eeh, this is sweet!!

我才发现我一直当作理所当然的美味对别人来说是难以接受的。

这相信我第一次尝试爱尔兰的爆米花时也是这个反应：walau, 咸的！？

发现大马人嗜甜。自从我第一次看到Fahmi 炒菜放糖以后，我就不曾怀疑过这个结论。然后我放眼看那些在嘛麻档拉茶当凉茶灌的年轻人，我可以预见十年后大马会有很多糖尿病患者（我也可能是其中一位）。想要读专科的医生不妨考虑看吧！

Surprise! Mum’s coming

这通电话着实让我惊喜，虽然我是拨打者。

爸妈六月要来，这突如其来的消息让我措手不及。我还在为今年不能回家的事而烦，想不到妈妈却亲自上门来，倒省了我一番功夫。不过有的事情我觉得还是必须在家亲自处理，这六月太忙毕竟不是好时机。

临挂电话，妈妈提起我在部落客的一篇感言，我陡然流汗。哇！妈妈都在读着我的部落客，幸好没有写到一些太惊世骇俗的东西。我想我应该勤力点写作交待我的生活，不过我知道以后下笔要留神些了。

枕头

习惯了两个枕头的高度，当只有一个枕头时竟无法入眠。

辗转一夜。早上Ryan 问我，睡得还好吗？我不置可否。

我想起上几次朋友来访留宿，我也是将枕头捐出，结果整晚不能安眠。

然后我想到Ryan 也是将他的枕头分给我，他那晚睡得好吗？我忘了问。

心头发热

听一场讲座，重拾失去已久的热情，让我有股冲动想要马上去做研究；

看一本好书，震荡我的思绪，在阖上书本后我能感到视野豁然开朗；

品一杯好酒，刺激着味蕾，那甘涩在干杯后仍觉得回味无穷；

听一首好歌，优美的旋律，余音袅袅会在脑海中不断重播；

读一篇感动人心的博客，让心情激动，久久无法平复；

和好友分享新知心得，畅无不言；

那种心头发热的滋味，我多久没有尝试过了？

如果忙碌的日子让人盲于追逐，忘却生活的热力，

是否应该停下脚步，思索前进的原因？

我今天有温度吗？

自取其辱

我不知道为何我又再回来。

我知道我的羽球很滥。每一次站在这球场，我总是不断被我的笨拙提醒自己。失球太多次了以后，我开始觉得我在自取其辱。我可以感觉到网的另一方有股强烈的不耐烦，连发球都兴趣缺缺。场外有十多双眼睛在等待，我开始感觉到自己的存在占用宝贵的场地。我讪讪的放回球拍，悄然离开。

我想我的对手大概在想：不会打就不要占用场地啦！

我有同感。

笨人的生存权利常常都被人非议。有时我也会想有的人成绩那么滥就不要读医啦！徒浪费大家的时间。我们相信有的位置应由能者胜任，笨人走开。这个社会允许我们名正言顺地淘汰能力差的人而不构成歧视。事实上，在这个泛政治正确的社会里，我们也只剩下笨人和丑人可以歧视。

技术水皮如我的人有没有权利使用球场？嗯，如果我还有点自知之明就不好再丢人现眼了。

树敌

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.



荧幕上男主角下车，一颗子弹从背后穿过胸膛。



我一直以为仇家只存在于波谲云诡的政商世界。直到我遇上一双充满敌意的眼神，巴不得我消失在人间的仇意。
我无法理解这没来由的敌意。不过我总算明白了现实中树敌比想象中容易。我屈指一数，发现我在不到两年的时间制造了那么多敌人。

我一向兢兢业业苟且求存，不求有功，只求自保。我不知道怎样会得罪人，也许我不慎犯了别人的晦头，在不适当的时间出现，也许是树大招风，或许是纯粹看不顺眼，我不知道。

人在江湖，很多东西不在我的控制范围之内。当情景演变、时局变化有的人莫名其妙地就成为了千古罪人，大家怨恨的对象。

我无力灌溉所有友谊的花苗，
但沿途无心播下的敌意种子如今却已蔚然成荫。
朋友来来去去，敌人却慢慢累积。
未来的路会更难走，
我要提防丛林间的埋伏，
更要留神花丛隐藏的毒刺。

我无法强问：我好端端的做人，犯着谁啦？
如果爱上一个人没什么道理，那么我想恨一个人也不需要理由。


If you try to please everyone, no one will like it.
我无法，也不想讨好所有人。无论我怎样迁就别人，我也无力改变别人对我的印象。


You can't make sure that everyone likes you, but you shall make sure that not everyone hates you.

人在江湖，恩仇难免。我想交友和树敌是一体两面的事。有朋友就会有敌人，而我的敌人都是从朋友衍生的。我们无法避免卷入争端，只是我们都已告别了童稚无求的年代，在成人的世界里利益的冲突是如此尖锐而直接。很多人告诉我们如何经营一段友谊，但我想我们更需要知道的是如何处理敌人。
While management of friendship is important, I think we need to learn more on how to deal with enmity.


如果我再不小心，有天被买凶的就是我了。

坐看云起时

Donnie finally decided to do the inevitable, knowing that how this would changes his destiny in the primary universe.

孤身仰望天空，发现自己多么无力。

若宿命无法改变，也只有无奈接受。

已经行到水穷处，何不坐看云起时？

原诗 —— 唐·王维《终南别业》

Dark(o) fantasy 黑暗想象

Donnie Darko回想这28天6小时以来的自己的遭遇，不禁莞尔。他阖上书本，吃吃地笑了起来。42分钟12秒后，一架飞机引擎从天而降，砸穿了他房间的屋顶，夺走了他的性命。

Michael Andrews’s The Mad World 在这时候奏起。慢镜头缓缓的扫过每个孤单的面孔，有点迷惘，有的不知所措，有的悲泣，背景是令人心碎的钢琴声，空气中有股淡淡的哀愁，仿佛是悼念Donnie，又像是为世界的疯狂哀悼。

A mood of melancholy descended upon me when the song was played, as if mourning over Donnie’s demise or sneering at this mad world.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places - worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere - going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression - no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow - no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday - Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me

…

Donnie 一直以为这只是个恶作剧，他从没想过这是个大自然的玩笑，他亲手结束了自己的性命。 他只是有点无奈，最后一个月是他一生最愉快的回忆。世界末日如期而至。一切终止。

Donnie still thought it was a prank, it never cross his mind that this was a prank of nature and he literally created his own death. He find it kind of funny and sad, the dreams in which he was dying are the best he's ever had. When he went to bed he knew he will never see tomorrow’s sun again. Then doomsday come as promised. Everything (of his world) ended.

…

我不曾停止过对死亡的想象。死亡，在生命的暗角闪耀着幽隐的灵光。那是一个没有人了解的领域，知识的死角，诱惑着无知而好奇的灵魂。

"Every creature on this earth dies alone." Grandma Death whispered to Donnie.

世界末日那一刻，记忆是唯一的殉葬。每个人都是孤伶伶的离开。

翻阅着泛黄的记忆，美丽在褪色，在生命终结的最后一刻。

如果生命只剩下28:06:42:12，你会做些什么？

How would you want your life to be ended? What would you do when there is only 28:06:42:12 left in your life?

…

死于一场时空意外，那是所有醉心于科学的人最浪漫的遐想。迷失在时间回圈，被虫孔，被黑洞毁灭，这是可遇不可求的际遇。二十岁那年，我阅读了Stephen Hawking 的《胡桃里的宇宙》，开始憧憬着黑洞的那一刻。严格来说意识被停格，但对一般人来说也就等同于死亡了。那是一种甘心为科学殉葬的虔诚，浪漫而壮烈，如同信徒可以义无反顾地为上帝献上性命。

Death in a space-time accident. That is the greatest thing that every scientist could dream of. Lost in the time loop, sucked by a black hole… these are chances of a lifetime. After reading “The Universe in a Nutshell”, I start to wonder about a journey to a black hole. Technically you won't die in a black hole just that the consciousness is halted, but that is close enough to death to most people. It is a cult-like devoutness to science comparable to self sacrifice of devotees to their religion.

这种不切实际的幻想虽然是毫无意义，就像女孩幻想着自己的真命天子；男孩立志长大后要干一番大事业，幻想为生活增添不少想象空间。不过这是一个黑色幻想，幻想死亡的来临，生命的终结，而且不是每个人都能认同这种思想。我记得我在BTN 营时有个处境游戏，在一艘逃离地球的宇航艇，需要牺牲一个人以保全整个飞艇。当我以死在太空很酷为由请缨，但没有人要成全我的遗愿。这些人永远无法体会为科学献身的浪漫。

Such dream is sort of meaningless and impractical, just like other girls dream of their future husband or boys think of their future careers, albeit a dark one. Fantasize how your life will be ended. However not everyone can accept this idea. I remembered during the BTN camp we are deciding on who to sacrifice in a situational game. I volunteered to be abandoned from the space craft giving the excuse that It is so cool to die in the space. Everyone in the group just dismissed my idea and ignored me. These people will never understand the romance of dying for science.

Rainy day.

Don’t blame the rain for soaking you inside out literally. and all your notes.

Don’t blame the wind that blows off your hood.

Don’t blame the coldness that you have to bear.

Don’t blame the car for spattering mud onto you.

Don’t blame the bumps and hollows on the road.

Don’t blame the dim road condition that almost landed you in a cross- bar accident.

Don’t blame the weather.

Blame yourself. Why can’t you afford a car? 鬼叫你穷？

All the problems would not have arise if you own a car. So the root cause of the problem is actually no money. Because you can’t own a car, you can’t blame the problem of you going through to the city council, the drivers sped by, nor the rain god.

Poverty is a sin. Poor people complain the most because they always have so much problems. All of the problem human kind face today can be attributed partly to no money. That is the original sin that makes the poor people doomed from the start and the curse lingers on long after your death, and continues on to the next generation. It is true that Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can certainly promise dejection.

金钱不是万能，但没钱却是万万不能。

Poverty. We all need salvation.

No one shall pretend to be aloof from material pursuit. We all need to earn more money to liberate ourselves from the curse of poverty.

人穷命苦，无可救药。

自命清高，冷死活该。

Rainy day. Bad mood.

Worries of a phish

Parents always worry about their children, sometimes unnecessarily. The first time I went for a strike, they warned me of possible danger; when I decided to sign up for a meditation course, they advised me against that… then when I tell them I am going to Ecuador for a volunteering program, they worry again… but I think they maybe right this time and I am starting to worry also…

Yes I spent 3000 euros (RM 15,000!!) to go to Ecuador for a one-month volunteering activity… right after I submitted my deposit, I begin to think about my parent’s word… how can I be sure that this ISV organization really exist and it is not a bogus one? Based on the leaflet? The website? The letter sent to me? The M-16 girl (that talks like a firing gun)? I don’t have anything to verify its existence let alone its authenticity.

This is the problem with transnational organization. You can't see a physical building or anyone in charge… only a website and a pamphlet… nothing tangible… I felt just like being dubbed into a phising site as I volunteering my information to some unknown place while they are lurking in the dark awaiting to rip me off… then I think of the people involved in Skim Cepat Kaya (Rapid Wealth Scheme?) in the 80’s… that’s probably a reason why so many people got deceived… but my predicament here is like having paid the first installment only to find that the developer may not exist at all…

Amidst my worry then Sean came and told me that his mum nearly fall into the trap of a phising site. She was asked to verify (actually to cancel) a fake paypal transaction and the website requires all her paypal account details including the password… ohh… when more enterprises are going cyber ironically I would now prefer the traditional paper work system in a concrete building… the world is such an insecure place that I can't really trust anything intangible…

300 and 3000… to pay or not to pay?

历史

临处决前他还紧怀着一个愿景：他希望他的牺牲能为下一代带来和平……

四十年后，当历史已被载入史册，印在课本，年轻人坐在舒适的课室里，此时清风翻书，血泪无痕。

当斗争开始时，没有人想到结局会是这样子的。在压迫最紧的时候大家都忍了下来，为什么现在才要提反抗呢？最后是四个年轻人在枪声中打破了僵局，四名英军被击毙。Damien 在策划此事时从没有想过要开创历史，他只是存粹不想再受英军欺压。

和平愈发维艰。无知的村民仍期待着不流血的解决方案，年轻人却决定抛弃这天真的想法。事实上，他们也没有其他的路可选择，英方正在彻查昨天下午的命案。他们离开了家到森林去，为即将来临的游击战做好准备，但他们的行踪却一个小子被卖给了市长。

当Damien 被押着拷问时，他已准备舍生取义，宁死不屈。不过有些痛楚是比死还难受。他在自己的惨叫声中听到隔壁囚室同志的爱国歌声，他勉力挣扎却昏了过去。最后他们被一个爱尔兰狱卒放走。霎那间他突然领悟到：在这非常时期，最可怕的不是敌方的枪火，而是自己国人的军心。

逃出生天后，他第一件要做的事就是巩固军心。他找来了出卖他的小子及效劳英方的市长，当众处决他们。枪杆对准了他们，他有点为难。那小子其实也是身不由己，他知道他的苦衷。可是该做的必须去做。他完成以后丢下枪支转身就跑。他须要一点时间冷静。杀人须要勇气，尤其是杀死认识的人更是，不过他已经在培养这一切。

革命没有想象中的简单。他有澎湃的热血，不过他仍须要战斗技巧的磨练。离开了家的安逸，他现在是与丛林为伍。但他不以为苦，因为他有女友的坚定支持。两人有着共同的目标。

他们埋伏突袭一支军队，射杀了全军13个人，夺得了许多火器。他们的第一次出击就拿到了他们要的东西。战争已经开始了，英军严阵以待这股新崛起的势力。现在的他终于明白，想要不费一兵一卒就把英军驱逐出境是多么天真的想法。如果流血是无可避免的，他只希望流的是敌人的血，而不是自己的。

敌方很快就搜上门来。他站在丘上，看着英军楸出自己的女友，放火烧屋。他怒火中烧，要不是伙伴的极力压制，他早就冲下去了。这场战役他最放不下的就是她，他多么害怕如果失去了她，他是否还有战斗下去的意志。但他没料到最后他却比她先走一步。

正当他准备好硬碰硬迎战英军时，和平条约的签署却使整个局面发生了变化。许多人都以为事情已经结束，英军准备撤离了。但他和她很清楚条约并不是那么的简单，他们仍在大英帝国的统辖。爱尔兰人分化整两派，大家对下一步的行动激烈的争辩。他的朋友这时决定投靠政府，为重建爱尔兰尽一份力。此举就注定了日后的悲剧。

他的第二次起义失败被捕。在牢中他的朋友劝服他不果，他始终坚持自己的想法。当他写下他的遗书，他一心只想让爱尔兰的下一代能够在和平自主的土地生长。这时的他已不是五年前为了革命而革命的毛头小子了。遗书在处决的下午快马送到。他的朋友看着失声痛哭的她，想到刚才亲自主持的开火令，久久不能自己……

editted from the movie the wind that shakes the barley

historical background: History of Ireland