life

假装

2007-10-03T23:29:00.000+01:00

呼吸着一种孤独的味道
心跳在你沉默以后慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑反正你看不到
我要的幸福
遗落在你怀抱
当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮
走着看着都是摧眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰
假装多好我只要
只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
还心甘情愿的不想逃

当爱失了焦
那些最初的美好
早被你搁在一角
街上拥挤人潮
走着看着都是催眠符号
记忆停不了
穿过读你的心跳
穿过想你的味道
我只想不被打扰
假装多好我只要
只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
一直会让我依靠
继续等待
心甘情愿不想逃
假装多好依然是
依然是暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套
像是驼鸟
相信时间是唯一解药
视而不见
傻到了无可救药
其实早明了
你的爱已随风飘
想要找
再也找不到
假装多好我只要
只想要再拥有一秒
去相信你的拥抱
还心甘情愿的不想逃
假装多好依然是
依然是暧昧的tone调
一个人无理取闹
两人世界的煎熬
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套
假装自己
已解开冰冷的手铐

转变

2007-09-17T23:33:00.000+01:00

中间

多远能够走完这世界
感觉放到极限
某天无声的雨正下在某处
我被淋湿了
湿透我想才能更勇敢
等着雨过天晴
忽然想要看彩虹
可以拥抱我
我飞越一阵痛楚的转变
懂的想的就那些
原来那就叫作生命的中间
飞越一滴苦涩的眼泪
雨点下的好直接
发现彩虹在天边
渺小的我跑在最前面
那一边是明天
看见那看不见的时间
当我有了从前
往前发出声音告诉这世界
我想要什么
听见我已经开始冒险
泪水流下安慰
哭过的脸最坚决
放晴的瞬间
我飞越一阵痛楚的转变
懂的想的就那些
原来那就叫作生命的中间
飞越一滴苦涩的眼泪
雨点下的好直接
发现彩虹在天边
渺小的我跑在最前面
那一边是明天
我飞越一阵痛楚的转变
懂的想的就那些
原来那就叫作生命的中间
飞越一滴苦涩的眼泪
雨点下的好直接
发现彩虹在天边
渺小的我跑在最前面
那一边是明天
不远来到一切的中间
转变
会变灰色阴天到晴天
那天
了解像勇气的无意间
出现
生命有许多中间

生命回潮

2007-08-23T21:44:00.000+01:00

当前方无路可行

就转身走回起点

当生命即将终结

开始回溯从前

怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福

发糕的滋味

任性的童年

无知而快乐

为何要追逐更大的幸福

愈发不满足

哭累了之后

安静的睡去

希望一切都只是南柯一梦

梦醒之后

我还是十岁的我

开始明白

葬在故乡的遗愿

不管离开多远

对故乡的眷念

早已安置在心里

时候将至

熟悉在召唤

“你本是尘土，仍要归于尘土”

我的小时候
吵闹任性时侯
我的外婆
总会唱歌哄我
夏天的午后
老老的歌安慰我
那首歌好象这样唱的
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑

离开小时候
有了自己的生活
新鲜的歌
新鲜的念头
任性和冲动
无法控制的时候
我忘记
还有这样的歌
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人
我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭
让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚
好孤独

天黑的时候
我又想起那首歌
突然期待
下起安静的雨
原来外婆的道理早就唱给我听
下起雨也要勇敢前进….
我相信一切都会平息
我现在好想回家去
天黑黑欲落雨
天黑黑黑黑

现在我很可怜

2007-08-09T12:29:00.000+01:00

在苏格兰笛声里面印度式的颓废
弄蛇人被蛇捆成一圈现在我很可怜
心情苦涩失眠
忧郁血丝蔓延
喝黑咖啡造成了黑眼圈
与其给我誓言不如陪我消遣
给我王子倒不如王子面
有谁期待 谁对自己抱歉 谁在乎
幻觉就算变成错觉 也算是体验过一遍
有谁离开 谁陪在我身边 谁在乎
信念万一变成残念 我还是破的t恤 同样一件
笛卡尔将逻辑重新排列我决定要改变
(我决定永远不再愁眉苦脸)
用意大利式的浪费时间美好事务瞬间
我的青春瞬间像凡尔赛玫瑰又爽又多刺又鲜艳
威廉古堡旁边幸福结局不远

公主王子一起吃王子面

rap:yo man yo man check yo yo yo 什么 man
时间倒带闭上眼睛倒带时间
拖著鼻涕的童年我吃著王子面
快乐简单那幸福不远
手上拿著五块来到巷口杂货店
老板手中接下期待已久的滋味
有关人生道理现在我为你讲解
麦克风 check,one check,two check,check,check
现在只剩下小节喔喔

以前我还能埋首不顾

一贯{印度式的颓废}

如今我弃守了第一道防线

开始觉得招架不住

昨晚的theological discourse

让我有点无所适从

我让自己陷入基伊争战

没来由的困扰

{弄蛇人被蛇捆成一圈现在我很可怜}

逻辑不是{喝黑咖啡造成了黑眼圈}那么简单

因果不彰谁明真相？

不能因为{对自己抱歉}

就用外力来改变一切

{也算是体验过一遍}

我背弃了自己的信念

搞到众叛亲离

{我还是破的t恤同样一件}

{逻辑可以重新排列}

认知可以重新组合吗？
{决定要改变}
就{不要愁眉苦脸}了

快乐简单那幸福不远
check, check, check?

入世太深

2007-07-23T12:16:00.000+01:00

深怕进来太久了，忘记了最初的挣扎。

Lest you settle long enough until you forget the initial qualms.

入世太深

问题仍待解答

习惯取代一切，

事情就理所当然。

小孩变成了大人

当年的不解

随风飘散

还是深埋心底

没有答案

至死都没有

入事太深

里面的人

看不到圈外人的踌躇

他们说：

相信了之后，一切都是枝节旁末

信仰取代一切

事情就义无反顾

有没有启示

还是死了才有

找寻的人，你真的要答案吗？

21岁的洗礼

2007-07-22T23:42:00.000+01:00

21岁

没有预警的降临

誓言要在我的生命

掀起翻天覆地的变化

好奇不改

探索新鲜

困惑而惊异

神离又实在

决定跨出自己

参观红尘

只是烟瘴蔽眼

栽了个跟头

最后一个浪头

打翻了祭台

我俯首然后仰天

经书无语

告别21岁的阵痛

我才明白

这只是个开始

一切还没结束

规避的理由

2007-07-22T15:23:00.000+01:00

第一次守戒，不纯粹只是学乖。

用惩戒来维护良心；

用宗教来寄托方向。

远离酒色，自言悔悟。

也许是井绳效应，

避免触景伤情。

只是连说起粤语都会觉得抽痛，

该如何回避

铁塔之耻？

不留

2007-07-18T22:55:00.000+01:00

常常提醒自己，

除了照片什么也不带走；

除了脚印什么也不留下。

曰之不留。

只是万花丛中过，

怎能片叶不沾身？

最后开溜的时候，

只好留下了背包

当作纪念。

我把风情给了你日子给了他
我把笑容给了你宽容给了他
我把思念给了你时间给了他
我把眼泪给了你责任给了他
我把照片给了你日历给了他
我把颜色给了你风景给了他
我把距离给了你无言给了他
我把烟花给了你(我把)节日给了他
我把电影票给了你我把座位给了他
我把烛光给了你晚餐给了他
我把歌点给了你麦克风递给他
声音给了你画面给了他
我把情节给了你结局给了他
我把水晶鞋给了你十二点给了他
我把心给了你身体给了他
情愿什么也不留下再也没有什么牵挂
如果我还有哀伤让风吹散它
如果我还有快乐也许吧
如果我还有哀伤让风吹散它
如果我还有快乐也许吧

留话

2007-07-06T22:45:00.000+01:00

留话
请在长音之后叹气
留话
请留话
请在我说完后哭泣
我不在这里
我不在这里
请在哔一声之后留下自己的秘密
请在哔一声之后对话筒沾沾自喜
请在哔一声之后对空气唉声叹气
我不在这里
我人在哪里
我想到哪里
请在哔一声之后留下有趣的话题
请在哔一声之后分担感情的问题
请在哔一声之后某某名字别提
你要找的人不在
不想给任何人寻觅
你现在要找的人正在娱乐着自己
抱歉你要找的人不在想说什么都来不及
你现在要找的人不需要姊妹兄弟
你要找我已经没关系已经来不及
你现在要找的人自己同样在寻觅
谁要陪我
我在玩寻人游戏

执迷不悔

2007-06-30T00:29:00.000+01:00

作曲:袁惟仁
作词:王靖雯

这一次我执著面对
任性地沈醉
我并不在乎
这是错还是对
就算是深陷
我不顾一切
就算是执迷
我也执迷不悔

*别人说我应该放弃
应该睁开眼
我用我的心
去看去感觉
你并不是我
又怎黱了解
就算是执迷
就让我执迷不悔

我不是你们想的如此完美
我承认有时也会辨不出真伪
并非我不愿意走出迷堆
只是这一次
这次是自己而不是谁

#要我用谁的心去体会
真真切切地感受周围
就算痛苦
就算是泪
也是属於我的伤悲

我还能用谁的心去体会
真真切切地感受周围
就算疲倦
就算是累
也只能执迷不悔

隔岸绿茵

2007-06-11T23:50:00.000+01:00

我站在门外

又一次失落于主流之外

我争求过

却敌不过命运安排

实验室意外

叫人意兴阑珊

旁看你们的自在

只能暗自悲哀

自我安慰

不过是二奶心态

不想谄媚

只会显得我没能耐

知足常乐

真是无奈

有时会想拿不到正统培训的人怎样自学成材。

有时觉得只是自己这山望着那山高：

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

择食

2007-06-10T21:54:00.000+01:00

若人生是场筵席，

我是个不知足的饕餮。

想尝遍菜单上的菜肴

想享尽天下美味

奈何人生的筵席

每人只能享有一道主菜

我暂定于一点

却点了太多副食

期望可以大小通吃

是我太不知足

还是我对自己的选择没有信心？

每每饥不择食

总是狼吞虎咽

何时才能死心塌地

专心咀嚼？

点菜之前请决定

2007-06-10T11:01:00.000+01:00

因为有些菜，点了就无法送回

副食真不能成主菜吗？

Berani kerana benar

2007-06-03T22:24:00.000+01:00

我钦佩你

执取一爿教义

终身实践不缀

听你述说

伸张真义

愿为真理

誓死不屈

为真理而勇敢

原谅我不知道什么是真理

我曾汲汲追求

真理却扑朔迷离

“因为他们在歧途上寻找”

甜美的笑容令人不设防

我找不到辨驳的余地

抑或我已失去了辩论的意志

为什么要插手

为什么要搅和

你的回应坚定而确信

我的指摘益发软弱无力

“因为他们不觉真义

否则应当明了

这就是罪”

“父，原谅他们吧！他们不知道自己做了什么。”

两千年前也有个人发出同样的吁叹

他仰望天空

阳光刺眼天堂无言

他俯视人群

世人仍不悔改

悲天悯人的情怀

我离开后

希望有10人能够继承我的工作

宣扬真义

拯救世界

我就不憾此生了

你微笑述说

我僵笑回应

周日的午后

金色的阳光轻轻洒下

我忽然透不过气来

《以父之名》

微凉的晨露沾湿黑礼服石板路有雾父在低诉
无奈的觉悟只能更残酷一切都为了通往圣堂的路
吹不散的雾隐没了意图谁轻柔踱步停住
还来不及哭穿过的子弹就带走温度

我们每个人都有罪犯著不同的罪
我能决定谁对谁又该要沈睡
争论不能解决在永无止境的夜
关掉你的嘴唯一的恩惠

挡在前面的人都有罪后悔也无路可退
以父之名判决那感觉没有适合字汇
就像边笑边掉泪凝视著完全的黑
阻挡悲剧蔓延的悲剧会让我沈醉

*低头亲吻我的左手换取被宽恕的承诺
老旧管风琴在角落一直一直一直伴奏
黑色帘幕被风吹动阳光无言的穿透
洒向那群被我驯服后的兽

沈默的喊叫沈默的喊叫孤单开始发酵
不停对著我嘲笑回忆逐渐延烧
曾经纯真的画面残忍的温柔出现脆弱时间到我们一起来祷告?

#仁慈的父我已坠入看不见罪的国度请原谅我的自负
没人能说没人可说好难承受荣耀的背后刻著一道孤独

闭上双眼我又看见当年那梦的画面天空是蒙蒙的雾
父亲牵著我的双手轻轻走过清晨那安安静静的石板路

第三者言

2007-06-01T01:02:00.000+01:00

我从来没被一段关系如此威逼。

短短五天，我目睹了感情的演化，经历思绪的激荡。

我被迫要正视感情的本质，思考我一直在逃避的问题。

第一天

你们的坦言让我谅解，也让我的存在顿时变得碍眼。

我企图若无其事，但脑海兀自起伏不定。

我不禁庆幸自己没有失言。引人注目来证明自己的存在是件愚蠢的事。

君子当慎言、慎行，尤其在恋人面前。

还好我还没有出糗，不过现在我可以糗你们了。

恋人的不由自主，言不由衷，我都看在眼里，可笑哉。

第二天

脑海中仍盘旋着基督教的communion 的概念。每个人都有想要和别人连结的欲望，基督教宣称自己在组织修行这方面比东方宗教优越得多。

Connectedness，连结。

人到了一个年纪就会想要和别人连结，不管是情感上的依靠或身体的接触。

不该屈服于这种欲望啊。那念头就像因为喜欢教团的氛围而入教，对我来说都是不可理解的。

我开始哼唱陈升的《恨情歌》：于是我叫我自己恨情歌，假装我不在乎

街上情侣成双，我又能羡慕些什么？

第三天

恋爱是拥有，紧紧地抱在怀中生怕会失去。

然后拥有变成占有，执爱成碍，嫉妒而执著，不可理喻。

被迫限制对某一方的关心

限制言论或玩笑

限制肢体接触

觉得感情对友情构成压力

三人行，必有人落单焉。

也许这次旅行不是我的日子

我不想抢镜头

于是开始自我遗弃

疏远你们

保持距离

远远眺望

你们的亲昵让我无言以对

只能为自己的尴尬开脱

如果你硬要问我感情事，

我只能说我已经死心

不敢苛求不想麻烦

我能强求些什么？

第四天

查理桥上

忽然滂沱

你们共撑一把伞

偌大的雨点

把你们的肩膀都淋湿了

湿透的脸庞

我可以看见你们的欢欣

聚拢后相拥，感受彼此的温暖

也许相恋的意义就在于苦乐与共

相濡以沫，同甘共苦

我方悟

付出和牺牲让爱升华

我可以借醉盘问，不过我选择轻松聊起

但不管我如何佯装轻松

我实在无法掩饰惊讶

开始明白

每个人都有伪装的理由

我没有坦诚的义务。

因为那是个人隐私，无需公告天下。

于是大家都被蒙在鼓里

可是你能隐瞒到何时？

你不觉得欠朋友一个交待吗？

《恍然大悟》：

我终于到现在才恍然大悟
我们谁也无法将谁说服
既然我已想清楚决定选择孤独
也顾不到你眼里的薄雾

第五天

《圣诞结》

落单的恋人最怕过节
只能独自庆祝尽量喝醉
我爱过的人没有一个留在身边
寂寞它陪我过夜

没有感情寄托

只能夜夜买醉

但老实说酒品还真便宜

今晚应该大醉一场

第六天

头痛

不想再想了

事不关己，劳心作何？

Animals Rights

2007-03-12T22:34:00.000Z

Cats. After several futile attempts to capture them, it seems that they have learned their lesson. The old trick just does not work anymore. So I decided to stop feeding them as a form of penalty.

Arguably, They have no obligations to entertain me, certainly no obligation to be kept captive.

However, I have no duty over their well being too. If they died of hunger that is just none of my business. Since they resist domestication, there is no reason I shall feed them like a domestic pet.

Duty and rights are inseparable. They are not entitle to rights without fulfilling their duty.

Animal duty? Does it sound ridiculous?

If the notion of duty is crazy, so does the notion of animal rights. See rebuttals

I only accept the notion that human have the duty over nature and animals.

Sounds too anthropocentric?

Some vegetarianism movement claims that we should not eat meat because animals have the right to live without sufferings. They claim that meat-eaters are selfish, anthropocentric people that think that human are superior so we can sacrifice other animals for our consumption.

I have a friend who is a true believer of animal equality, and, meat eating.

He does not believe that human are in anyway more special than animals. We are better off only because we are luckier.

Based on this notion human are free to eat animals, precisely because animals are free to eat human too!

Sounds plausible to me though. (no rebuttal found)

So he has no blame to be devoured by a tiger as that is how nature works.

Anyway, back to animal rights. Even if cats are endowed with some rights, for instance the right to maintain indifference and cool, they just can't just stay cool forever. They need to learn to sacrifice some of their rights in exchange of some benefits. The smart ones will know when to act stupid and get rewarded out of human’s satisfaction.

But sometimes there are just excessive intervention from some third party which we call XX rights watchdog. These are the staunch advocates of rights for the group of people that do not need it.

At one point in time they decided that any private firm with at least one disabled employee need to have disability support facilities.

Then a lot of disabled people suddenly found their application being rejected by many private companies, especially those smaller ones, precisely because of their disability.

Being overprotective effectively preclude them from getting what they want.

Rights is an essential thing for most people but it is never necessary for survival. I hope the cats will realize this soon.

11 Issues For ethical consideration

2007-03-01T00:19:00.000Z

[Review of Ethics week 18-24 Feb]

Sunday: Genocide

What shall we do with the felons if they are your grandparents?

The tragic collision of the Tasmanians and Whites led to conflict almost as soon as British sealers and settlers arrived that island around 1800. Whites kidnapped Tasmanian kids as labourers, kidnapped women as consorts, mutilated or killed men, trespassed on hunting grounds, and tried to clear Tasmanians off their ground. As a result, the native population of Northern Tasmanians in November 1830 had been reduced to 72 adult men, 3 adult women, and no children. Later four shepherds ambushed a group of natives, killed 30 and threw their bodies over a cliff remembered today as Victory Hill.

Many whites on the Australia mainland envied the thoroughness of the Tasmanian solution and wanted to imitate the extermination. The government formed a branch of mounted police termed Native Police, who used search-and destroy tactics to kill or drive out Aborigines. A typical strategy was to surround a camp at night and shoot the inhabitants in an attack at dawn. They also made widespread use of poisoned food to kill Aborigines. The Aborigines were too numerous to exterminate, nevertheless since the arrival of British colonist in 1788, the population of Aborigines slumped from 300,000 to 60,000 in 130 years.

In the same period of time major genocides of greater scale were being carried out all around the world. In the US, more than one million of Indians were massacred over two centuries. See also genocides in history.

[excerpt from The Rise and Fall of the Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond]

How shall you react when you realise that the country today’s achievement is derived from the bloody extermination of somebody else?

享受着先祖辛劳开荒及屠杀旁人的成果，良心何以安？

Monday: Abortion

The condom just break…

Let’s set aside the hard cases: rape victims, babies jeopardizing maternal lives. When a women accidentally get pregnant is she entitled to a choice? The pro-life people object any attempt to abort the foetus, claiming that they are standing up for rights of the unborn babies. The proponents question why shall a women be condemned and stuck with the baby which can change herself profoundly. In this male dominated society women tend to be the passive recipients in sexual relationship and whenever anything happen they are the one to bear the consequences while men continue to fool around with impunity. Do women have a choice over her own body? Is the society obsession with maternal capacity degrading women into a mere vessel for reproduction? Can she say ‘no’ to unplanned pregnancy?

On the other hand argument by Practicality always begin with the line: “let’s face the reality…” Abortion is a fact and it is happening everyday. Why not legalize it so that you can regulate it? The current system does not prevent the people from having abortion abroad and it only discriminate the poor people. Then the line continues so to appeal to morality concern: Criminalizing it isn’t going to stop person that want to abort from getting it from some where else; conversely, legalizing it won't make people that anti-abortion go for it. After all it boils down to individual value judgment. Personal morality shall be confined to church and the church shall not interfere with the secular to establish morality.

Tuesday: Genetic counselling

The burden of information and the right to not know

If you know that you have a chance of becoming dementia at the age of 40, do you really want to confirm the disease?

It is a painful decision for the physician, but probably more painful for the proband himself. It is a decision that can potentially change the outlook of the rest of your life. For anyone aspiring to become a doctor, the medical degree, internship plus the postgraduate training and specialisation will probably take you 20 years before you could reach the position of a consultant. However If you are going to develop Huntington’s disease in your 40s you might want to reconsider your career planning. But do you really want to know? How if the result is positive? That’s like being sentenced to death penalty and all you can do is just wait for the day to come. Can you imagine a life marching inexorably to a tragic end at the definite time? To tell or not to tell?

只要一日不确认，都还能心存侥幸；当一切已成定局，悲剧只是迟早的。保护病人的不知情权：说还是不说？

Tuesday: Normative Ethics

Establishing the theory

I think ethics is socially constructed as in the case of genocide above. If I were the white settlers in Australia and it appears to be completely permissible to kill the native in order to get the land. Judging by today’s standard and the universal ethics code, genocide is certainly wrong and most probably the most horrendous crime of the human species. But the question is: is there a universal ethical code?

真的有放诸四海皆准的规范吗？

Ethics

Tuesday: Concealment

Honesty may not be the best policy

If you were Christina would you cover up for Dr. Burke? I guess most people will, plus she is also gaining from this inappropriate symbiosis. Above all “There is no malpractice there!” as Dr. Weber exclaimed. But then he talk privately to Dr. Burke: “the hand worth two millions, I want you to get it fixed.” That sounds more like his main consideration in deciding his course of action. From a utilitarian point of view, his action is indisputable.

Why risk losing an experienced surgeon when he can still do his job? His sacking is nothing beneficial to the hospital and patients. In light of this, the chief tacitly use the term “malpractice” which connotes “practise in a ruthless manner with scant regard of the patient’s interest.” Apparently Dr. Burke is not harming human’s life but arguably they are putting the patients at greater risk, which is why George refused him operating on his dad when he found out the truth.

Wednesday: Infidelity

You committed yourself only to find that your partner is two-timing you

我以为你已经选择了我，没想到你还在三心两意。

Feeling cheated is the look on Dr. Dev’s face when I told him that I am also applying to other places, implying that he is not my only choice and I might opt for other offers and forsake him. I know I am in a ugly situation, just like the infidel husband confessing his affairs to the angry wife. I have to explain clearly before he get mad and decline my application at all. This shall not turn out to be a zero sum situation or either-me-or-she situation. I tried to quote Ms. Boylan words: you might not be getting any offer at all so just apply everything. I effectively shifted all the responsibility to she: it is her advice, while I continue to act innocent. The technique is taught by our clinical tutor: shift the decision making to patient and I am just applying the same the principle here.

Go to the sequel

Now I am being double-crossed

Just to be fair…

Thursday: Atheism

Can science eventually replace religion and will it heralds a collapse of morality?

I only knew Richard Dawkins is the Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford University. All along he has always been well known for his work on the selfish gene, he appeared to be a keen social biologist based on evolution science. In his book The God Delusion, he argued for atheism as superior substitute for religion.

Friday: Taking advantage

Poverty in mind

有人说：爱占别人便宜的人是心理贫穷。

When taking advantage is viewed as smart, nobody ever mind about integrity any more. As far as remember, Integrity is never a value in the moral textbooks. Integrity is not like honesty or being truthful, it is something like being righteous and hold on to principles. It is a virtue that is hard to come by in a society where everyone is (try to be) smart. People learn how to bend the rules for their own advantages, taking public stuffs for personal use, exploit public goods especially the free ones… how do people think of taking public toilet paper back home? Does such petty act constitute a violation of ethics or it never matter?

Friday: Backstabbing

There is a limit on how ethical one can be…

顺得哥来失嫂意

I think there is an ethical constrain on how ethical one can be. Arguably it is impossible to do no harm: the fact that you have a fleshy body that needs to be taken care of means that at some stage of your life you inevitably have harmed some animals and the environment to sustain your lives. Resources are scarce and everyone has to compete for survival in the society. Referring to the Wednesday event, I just want to secure my place and I can't bet everything on a single application. However this inevitably means that I am using up other people chances.

Friday: Rights

How can the personal right be justified?

为一己私利负天下人，可为吗？

Sometimes I don’t like using pedestrian traffic light when crossing roads. I know I have the right but I just don’t like to trouble everyone else. It does not appear to be right to stop twenty cars just for one person to cross the road. But sometimes people just choose to exercise their rights and do whatever they like without considering people’s feeling.

Are they being selfish?

Wednesday: Compensation Ethics

Can your prior misfortune redeem you of something in return?

塞翁丢失了马，就可以名正言顺地牵回别人的马吗？

Surprise, it’s sweet!

2007-02-28T20:18:00.000Z

这个新年有肉松和肉干吃，托妈妈千里邮寄的福。

我嚼着肉干，忽然想起去年我和Emily 分享肉松的事。她试了一口，用难以置信的眼神望着我：eeh, this is sweet!!

我才发现我一直当作理所当然的美味对别人来说是难以接受的。

这相信我第一次尝试爱尔兰的爆米花时也是这个反应：walau, 咸的！？

发现大马人嗜甜。自从我第一次看到Fahmi 炒菜放糖以后，我就不曾怀疑过这个结论。然后我放眼看那些在嘛麻档拉茶当凉茶灌的年轻人，我可以预见十年后大马会有很多糖尿病患者（我也可能是其中一位）。想要读专科的医生不妨考虑看吧！

Surprise! Mum’s coming

2007-02-26T20:19:00.000Z

这通电话着实让我惊喜，虽然我是拨打者。

爸妈六月要来，这突如其来的消息让我措手不及。我还在为今年不能回家的事而烦，想不到妈妈却亲自上门来，倒省了我一番功夫。不过有的事情我觉得还是必须在家亲自处理，这六月太忙毕竟不是好时机。

临挂电话，妈妈提起我在部落客的一篇感言，我陡然流汗。哇！妈妈都在读着我的部落客，幸好没有写到一些太惊世骇俗的东西。我想我应该勤力点写作交待我的生活，不过我知道以后下笔要留神些了。

枕头

2007-02-25T20:43:00.000Z

习惯了两个枕头的高度，当只有一个枕头时竟无法入眠。

辗转一夜。早上Ryan 问我，睡得还好吗？我不置可否。

我想起上几次朋友来访留宿，我也是将枕头捐出，结果整晚不能安眠。

然后我想到Ryan 也是将他的枕头分给我，他那晚睡得好吗？我忘了问。

心头发热

2007-02-15T20:46:00.001Z

听一场讲座，重拾失去已久的热情，让我有股冲动想要马上去做研究；

看一本好书，震荡我的思绪，在阖上书本后我能感到视野豁然开朗；

品一杯好酒，刺激着味蕾，那甘涩在干杯后仍觉得回味无穷；

听一首好歌，优美的旋律，余音袅袅会在脑海中不断重播；

读一篇感动人心的博客，让心情激动，久久无法平复；

和好友分享新知心得，畅无不言；

那种心头发热的滋味，我多久没有尝试过了？

如果忙碌的日子让人盲于追逐，忘却生活的热力，

是否应该停下脚步，思索前进的原因？

我今天有温度吗？

自取其辱

2007-02-13T22:45:00.000Z

我不知道为何我又再回来。

我知道我的羽球很滥。每一次站在这球场，我总是不断被我的笨拙提醒自己。失球太多次了以后，我开始觉得我在自取其辱。我可以感觉到网的另一方有股强烈的不耐烦，连发球都兴趣缺缺。场外有十多双眼睛在等待，我开始感觉到自己的存在占用宝贵的场地。我讪讪的放回球拍，悄然离开。

我想我的对手大概在想：不会打就不要占用场地啦！

我有同感。

笨人的生存权利常常都被人非议。有时我也会想有的人成绩那么滥就不要读医啦！徒浪费大家的时间。我们相信有的位置应由能者胜任，笨人走开。这个社会允许我们名正言顺地淘汰能力差的人而不构成歧视。事实上，在这个泛政治正确的社会里，我们也只剩下笨人和丑人可以歧视。

技术水皮如我的人有没有权利使用球场？嗯，如果我还有点自知之明就不好再丢人现眼了。

树敌

2007-01-27T22:10:00.000Z

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

荧幕上男主角下车，一颗子弹从背后穿过胸膛。

我一直以为仇家只存在于波谲云诡的政商世界。直到我遇上一双充满敌意的眼神，巴不得我消失在人间的仇意。
我无法理解这没来由的敌意。不过我总算明白了现实中树敌比想象中容易。我屈指一数，发现我在不到两年的时间制造了那么多敌人。

我一向兢兢业业苟且求存，不求有功，只求自保。我不知道怎样会得罪人，也许我不慎犯了别人的晦头，在不适当的时间出现，也许是树大招风，或许是纯粹看不顺眼，我不知道。

人在江湖，很多东西不在我的控制范围之内。当情景演变、时局变化有的人莫名其妙地就成为了千古罪人，大家怨恨的对象。

我无力灌溉所有友谊的花苗，
但沿途无心播下的敌意种子如今却已蔚然成荫。
朋友来来去去，敌人却慢慢累积。
未来的路会更难走，
我要提防丛林间的埋伏，
更要留神花丛隐藏的毒刺。

我无法强问：我好端端的做人，犯着谁啦？
如果爱上一个人没什么道理，那么我想恨一个人也不需要理由。

If you try to please everyone, no one will like it.
我无法，也不想讨好所有人。无论我怎样迁就别人，我也无力改变别人对我的印象。

You can't make sure that everyone likes you, but you shall make sure that not everyone hates you.

人在江湖，恩仇难免。我想交友和树敌是一体两面的事。有朋友就会有敌人，而我的敌人都是从朋友衍生的。我们无法避免卷入争端，只是我们都已告别了童稚无求的年代，在成人的世界里利益的冲突是如此尖锐而直接。很多人告诉我们如何经营一段友谊，但我想我们更需要知道的是如何处理敌人。
While management of friendship is important, I think we need to learn more on how to deal with enmity.

如果我再不小心，有天被买凶的就是我了。

坐看云起时

2006-12-27T12:46:00.000Z

Donnie finally decided to do the inevitable, knowing that how this would changes his destiny in the primary universe.

孤身仰望天空，发现自己多么无力。

若宿命无法改变，也只有无奈接受。

已经行到水穷处，何不坐看云起时？

原诗 —— 唐·王维《终南别业》

Dark(o) fantasy 黑暗想象

2006-12-25T23:43:00.000Z

Donnie Darko回想这28天6小时以来的自己的遭遇，不禁莞尔。他阖上书本，吃吃地笑了起来。42分钟12秒后，一架飞机引擎从天而降，砸穿了他房间的屋顶，夺走了他的性命。

Michael Andrews’s The Mad World 在这时候奏起。慢镜头缓缓的扫过每个孤单的面孔，有点迷惘，有的不知所措，有的悲泣，背景是令人心碎的钢琴声，空气中有股淡淡的哀愁，仿佛是悼念Donnie，又像是为世界的疯狂哀悼。

A mood of melancholy descended upon me when the song was played, as if mourning over Donnie’s demise or sneering at this mad world.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places - worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere - going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression - no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow - no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday - Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me

…

Donnie 一直以为这只是个恶作剧，他从没想过这是个大自然的玩笑，他亲手结束了自己的性命。他只是有点无奈，最后一个月是他一生最愉快的回忆。世界末日如期而至。一切终止。

Donnie still thought it was a prank, it never cross his mind that this was a prank of nature and he literally created his own death. He find it kind of funny and sad, the dreams in which he was dying are the best he's ever had. When he went to bed he knew he will never see tomorrow’s sun again. Then doomsday come as promised. Everything (of his world) ended.

…

我不曾停止过对死亡的想象。死亡，在生命的暗角闪耀着幽隐的灵光。那是一个没有人了解的领域，知识的死角，诱惑着无知而好奇的灵魂。

"Every creature on this earth dies alone." Grandma Death whispered to Donnie.

世界末日那一刻，记忆是唯一的殉葬。每个人都是孤伶伶的离开。

翻阅着泛黄的记忆，美丽在褪色，在生命终结的最后一刻。

如果生命只剩下28:06:42:12，你会做些什么？

How would you want your life to be ended? What would you do when there is only 28:06:42:12 left in your life?

…

死于一场时空意外，那是所有醉心于科学的人最浪漫的遐想。迷失在时间回圈，被虫孔，被黑洞毁灭，这是可遇不可求的际遇。二十岁那年，我阅读了Stephen Hawking 的《胡桃里的宇宙》，开始憧憬着黑洞的那一刻。严格来说意识被停格，但对一般人来说也就等同于死亡了。那是一种甘心为科学殉葬的虔诚，浪漫而壮烈，如同信徒可以义无反顾地为上帝献上性命。

Death in a space-time accident. That is the greatest thing that every scientist could dream of. Lost in the time loop, sucked by a black hole… these are chances of a lifetime. After reading “The Universe in a Nutshell”, I start to wonder about a journey to a black hole. Technically you won't die in a black hole just that the consciousness is halted, but that is close enough to death to most people. It is a cult-like devoutness to science comparable to self sacrifice of devotees to their religion.

这种不切实际的幻想虽然是毫无意义，就像女孩幻想着自己的真命天子；男孩立志长大后要干一番大事业，幻想为生活增添不少想象空间。不过这是一个黑色幻想，幻想死亡的来临，生命的终结，而且不是每个人都能认同这种思想。我记得我在BTN 营时有个处境游戏，在一艘逃离地球的宇航艇，需要牺牲一个人以保全整个飞艇。当我以死在太空很酷为由请缨，但没有人要成全我的遗愿。这些人永远无法体会为科学献身的浪漫。

Such dream is sort of meaningless and impractical, just like other girls dream of their future husband or boys think of their future careers, albeit a dark one. Fantasize how your life will be ended. However not everyone can accept this idea. I remembered during the BTN camp we are deciding on who to sacrifice in a situational game. I volunteered to be abandoned from the space craft giving the excuse that It is so cool to die in the space. Everyone in the group just dismissed my idea and ignored me. These people will never understand the romance of dying for science.

Rainy day.

2006-11-30T19:33:00.000Z

Don’t blame the rain for soaking you inside out literally. and all your notes.

Don’t blame the wind that blows off your hood.

Don’t blame the coldness that you have to bear.

Don’t blame the car for spattering mud onto you.

Don’t blame the bumps and hollows on the road.

Don’t blame the dim road condition that almost landed you in a cross- bar accident.

Don’t blame the weather.

Blame yourself. Why can’t you afford a car? 鬼叫你穷？

All the problems would not have arise if you own a car. So the root cause of the problem is actually no money. Because you can’t own a car, you can’t blame the problem of you going through to the city council, the drivers sped by, nor the rain god.

Poverty is a sin. Poor people complain the most because they always have so much problems. All of the problem human kind face today can be attributed partly to no money. That is the original sin that makes the poor people doomed from the start and the curse lingers on long after your death, and continues on to the next generation. It is true that Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can certainly promise dejection.

金钱不是万能，但没钱却是万万不能。

Poverty. We all need salvation.

No one shall pretend to be aloof from material pursuit. We all need to earn more money to liberate ourselves from the curse of poverty.

人穷命苦，无可救药。

自命清高，冷死活该。

Rainy day. Bad mood.

Worries of a phish

2006-11-28T21:08:00.000Z

Parents always worry about their children, sometimes unnecessarily. The first time I went for a strike, they warned me of possible danger; when I decided to sign up for a meditation course, they advised me against that… then when I tell them I am going to Ecuador for a volunteering program, they worry again… but I think they maybe right this time and I am starting to worry also…

Yes I spent 3000 euros (RM 15,000!!) to go to Ecuador for a one-month volunteering activity… right after I submitted my deposit, I begin to think about my parent’s word… how can I be sure that this ISV organization really exist and it is not a bogus one? Based on the leaflet? The website? The letter sent to me? The M-16 girl (that talks like a firing gun)? I don’t have anything to verify its existence let alone its authenticity.

This is the problem with transnational organization. You can't see a physical building or anyone in charge… only a website and a pamphlet… nothing tangible… I felt just like being dubbed into a phising site as I volunteering my information to some unknown place while they are lurking in the dark awaiting to rip me off… then I think of the people involved in Skim Cepat Kaya (Rapid Wealth Scheme?) in the 80’s… that’s probably a reason why so many people got deceived… but my predicament here is like having paid the first installment only to find that the developer may not exist at all…

Amidst my worry then Sean came and told me that his mum nearly fall into the trap of a phising site. She was asked to verify (actually to cancel) a fake paypal transaction and the website requires all her paypal account details including the password… ohh… when more enterprises are going cyber ironically I would now prefer the traditional paper work system in a concrete building… the world is such an insecure place that I can't really trust anything intangible…

300 and 3000… to pay or not to pay?

历史

2006-11-07T00:40:00.001Z

临处决前他还紧怀着一个愿景：他希望他的牺牲能为下一代带来和平……

四十年后，当历史已被载入史册，印在课本，年轻人坐在舒适的课室里，此时清风翻书，血泪无痕。

当斗争开始时，没有人想到结局会是这样子的。在压迫最紧的时候大家都忍了下来，为什么现在才要提反抗呢？最后是四个年轻人在枪声中打破了僵局，四名英军被击毙。Damien 在策划此事时从没有想过要开创历史，他只是存粹不想再受英军欺压。

和平愈发维艰。无知的村民仍期待着不流血的解决方案，年轻人却决定抛弃这天真的想法。事实上，他们也没有其他的路可选择，英方正在彻查昨天下午的命案。他们离开了家到森林去，为即将来临的游击战做好准备，但他们的行踪却一个小子被卖给了市长。

当Damien 被押着拷问时，他已准备舍生取义，宁死不屈。不过有些痛楚是比死还难受。他在自己的惨叫声中听到隔壁囚室同志的爱国歌声，他勉力挣扎却昏了过去。最后他们被一个爱尔兰狱卒放走。霎那间他突然领悟到：在这非常时期，最可怕的不是敌方的枪火，而是自己国人的军心。

逃出生天后，他第一件要做的事就是巩固军心。他找来了出卖他的小子及效劳英方的市长，当众处决他们。枪杆对准了他们，他有点为难。那小子其实也是身不由己，他知道他的苦衷。可是该做的必须去做。他完成以后丢下枪支转身就跑。他须要一点时间冷静。杀人须要勇气，尤其是杀死认识的人更是，不过他已经在培养这一切。

革命没有想象中的简单。他有澎湃的热血，不过他仍须要战斗技巧的磨练。离开了家的安逸，他现在是与丛林为伍。但他不以为苦，因为他有女友的坚定支持。两人有着共同的目标。

他们埋伏突袭一支军队，射杀了全军13个人，夺得了许多火器。他们的第一次出击就拿到了他们要的东西。战争已经开始了，英军严阵以待这股新崛起的势力。现在的他终于明白，想要不费一兵一卒就把英军驱逐出境是多么天真的想法。如果流血是无可避免的，他只希望流的是敌人的血，而不是自己的。

敌方很快就搜上门来。他站在丘上，看着英军楸出自己的女友，放火烧屋。他怒火中烧，要不是伙伴的极力压制，他早就冲下去了。这场战役他最放不下的就是她，他多么害怕如果失去了她，他是否还有战斗下去的意志。但他没料到最后他却比她先走一步。

正当他准备好硬碰硬迎战英军时，和平条约的签署却使整个局面发生了变化。许多人都以为事情已经结束，英军准备撤离了。但他和她很清楚条约并不是那么的简单，他们仍在大英帝国的统辖。爱尔兰人分化整两派，大家对下一步的行动激烈的争辩。他的朋友这时决定投靠政府，为重建爱尔兰尽一份力。此举就注定了日后的悲剧。

他的第二次起义失败被捕。在牢中他的朋友劝服他不果，他始终坚持自己的想法。当他写下他的遗书，他一心只想让爱尔兰的下一代能够在和平自主的土地生长。这时的他已不是五年前为了革命而革命的毛头小子了。遗书在处决的下午快马送到。他的朋友看着失声痛哭的她，想到刚才亲自主持的开火令，久久不能自己……

editted from the movie the wind that shakes the barley

historical background: History of Ireland

In Bree’s closet

2006-11-04T20:43:00.000Z

Bree Van De Kamp has this little secret in her closet that she just want to keep to herself… until one day Lynette’s children ran away while under her guardian. It was then revealed that she is an alcoholic…

At the weekend of Halloween Tesco was having a promotion on all wines… and so happen that I found a wine opener in the house… then I ended up with a bottle of wine in my fridge now. Ever since I have been drinking wine every night… I found wine is so versatile: it is good for casserole, any meats or fish, excellent with cheese and above all great to enjoy by itself. I reserve little moment at night to relish my wine… until I see the prospect of turning into an alcoholic…

Who on earth become alcoholic by drinking wine alone? Well, Bree does. The one thing that I learned from this TV show is that a wine drinker can also turn to an alcoholic… ohh, I better curb myself before the crave grows further…

Then on the weekend came a surprising news from Harvard University that successfully proved that red wine contains a substance resveratrol that can help to extend life while maintaining quality of life in mice. Read more

The finding was a timely relief to my worries particularly the part that mentions that red wine can help lowering cholesterol level. Also as stressed by the researcher you need to drink up to 100 glasses of wine to take in the same dosage of resveratrol... it simply means that the more the merrier! Now there is no more problem for me to profess my liking for wine. I sincerely appreciate the research and I am sure Bree will agree with me too. Cheers to David Sinclair!!

回来

2006-10-24T21:18:00.000+01:00

Dying, death and to die

我以为我就快要死了。

我望着前方的镜头，同学们正要拍摄大合照。我感到晕眩心悸，我很清楚感觉到心跳的每一下挣扎。大伙儿兴奋的找位子，礼堂一片闹哄哄，在我的耳际声音就像退潮的浪慢慢在褪开，我的脑袋一片空白。极度疲倦，眼前的一切开始变得很陌生。意识一点一滴的在抽离，我知道我的时间要到了。我牵动嘴角，努力的挤出一丝笑容，这应该就是我的遗照吧！

3，2，1… 咔嚓！

一片黑暗。

那是一个很沉很沉的觉，梦里无光，没有景物，没有声音，没有知觉，什么都没有……直到我睁开眼睛。白，空白的白，脑袋僵直。我感觉到手指的移动，忽然间一切又回来了。我张大眼睛，看到白袍，护士，我才知道自己在医院里。

三天后的下午，我出院回到家里。家里没人。我独自坐在空荡荡的房子，望着墙壁发征。半晌，有人转动匙孔推开门走了进来。我抬头一看，是我的屋友。例常的问候和寒暄，但我对眼前的这个人却感到无比的陌生。

离开了现实那么久，我还是很难相信自己回来了。我走进房间，床上有一摞待处理的文件，地上有一箩上星期未洗的衣服。我望着书桌上堆积的课业，发现自己落人一大截。我不在的日子，世界还是继续运行，地球不曾停止运转。我有种莫名的失落。我翻开书本，想开始学习，但我读不到两行字思绪就飘远了。我为什么还要读书？就是为了赶上进度吗？为什么我还要回到以前那种庸庸碌碌的生活？忙碌一生最后也是两脚一蹬，那么这些辛苦又有何意义？我很迷惘。或许我根本就不应该回来？

我喉咙发干。我走出房门想到楼下喝杯水。下楼的时候我忽然有个念头，如果我现在失足滚下去会怎么样？我突然很想重复这一切好让自己回到以前，回到我昏迷的那一天，那么我就永远不用再回来了。死亡，是那么的平静安详，无牵无挂。当我的意识逐渐抽离，我感觉到自己再也不属于这个世界，我已经没有什么好担心的了。那种感觉是那么的平静、安详。世人无知，对死亡充满负面联想，每每谈死色变。我是个在亡门前转个弯又回来的人，我现在却好想回去…

i'm supposed to die tonight

[Intro - 50 Cent]
Ahh man
You know where the niggas be at right?
Take me to 'em
[Chorus- 50 Cent]
All through the hood, I keep hearin' niggas sayin'
I'm supposed to die tonight
niggas come put a hit out and they talkin' like the sh*t okay
I'm down to ride tonight
We crawlin, whip stolen, AK loaded
I'm down to ride tonight
We smokin', straight locin', locked and loaded
Somebody gon' die tonight
[Verse 1 - 50 Cent]
This is nothin' new, I been in the position before
Grandma crib, niggas outside of her door
Different day, same sh*t, old mac, new clip
Thirty two hollow tips, gloves, no rubber grip
I'm a boss, but niggas never show no respect
I catch 'em slippin', I have 'em tongue kissin' my tec
Wanna come test me, pussy boy don't try
Police responds, never fast enough, the shots fired
Don't be stupid, find out who you f**kin' wit son
'Fore we find out where ya b*tch gets her hair and nails done
Its elementary, life is but a dream
You know row, row ya boat, your blood forms a stream
After you get hit, you shoulda thought about the sh*t
You took that paper, you take a life or ya life get took b*tch
Sometimes, I sit and look at life from a different angle
Don't know if I'm God's child or I'm Satan's angel
[Chorus - 50 Cent]
All through the hood, I keep hearin' niggas sayin'
I'm supposed to die tonight
niggas come put a hit out and they talkin' like the sh*t okay
I'm down to ride tonight
We crawlin, whip stolen, AK loaded
I'm down to ride tonight
We smokin', straight locin', locked and loaded
Somebody gon' die tonight
[Verse 2 - 50 Cent]
In 2002, if you asked me to make a wish
I simply woulda wished that my music would be a hit
Big said damn, niggas wanna stick me for my paper
And pray for my downfall, I understand it all
But me, I'm a little more flashy a nigga
So chances are, I'ma have to blast me a nigga
I'm on that keflon vest sh*t, that wild wild west sh*t
And eighty one 1 carrot stones in my necklace
I shine so hard, I make mothaf**kas wanna kill me
Every projects and every hood I go, they feel me
Know it sounds like rap, but this sh*t is real B
I don't talk that rich sh*t, but nigga I'm filthy
When I come out to play, had my mom been with me
You could bet your bottom dollar that revolver with me
Homeboy, frontin' on me will shorten your life span
Hold the mic with my left, the knife in my right hand
[Chorus - 50 Cent]
All through the hood, I keep hearin' niggas sayin'
I'm supposed to die tonight
niggas come put a hit out and they talkin' like the sh*t okay
I'm down to ride tonight
We crawlin, whip stolen, AK loaded
I'm down to ride tonight
We smokin', straight locin', locked and loaded
Somebody gon' die tonight

Tales From the cubicle no. 10

2006-10-24T11:40:00.000+01:00

Sitting here as a patient in the cubicle no.10, I began to see the medical world in a completely new light, a world so different from that depicted in all my medical textbooks. Here, I see all kind of people wandering in the ward with their own agenda. A distinct advantage of being in the A&E ward is that people normally don’t bother to disguise themselves in front of dying patients so I get to see their true colours.

I spent most of my time with bunches of nurses around so I shall start with them. To my surprise when I first met one of the senior nurses there, she knew exactly everything about history taking. It then dawn upon me that doctor are not the exclusive holder of the knowledge of clinical examination as the nurses and other health professions also go through the same pre-clinical and some clinical curriculum. Ermm, I shall not take lightly of my fellow nurses next time when I started working.

However there are a lot more things that nurses can do far better that it makes the doctor pale in comparison. IV infusion supposedly should be an elementary task in clinical practice and yet the cardiologist that did this to me in the second day really sucks. He tried three different spots on my left arm, without the swipe, and finally managed to shoved the needle into my dorsal vein. I was already half dead by the end but he just simply ignored my agony. Worst still the needle was later proven to be a failure by the radiologist so I have to had another infusion done on my right arm. Until today there are still bruises on the three spots of my left arm and none on the other. In contrast the nurses are really skillful in this and a whole host of other primary care and I shall praise them for their superb technique. There is only one complaint during my first night. I was constantly being waken up for blood pressure monitoring and transfer to the rapid transit admission ward. Why do they want to deprive me of my slow wave sleep while it is the time when physical repair most needed… Now only I know what do they meant by “ we need to keep you overnight for (constant) observation”…

And there are the housekeepers that in charge of all the meals and cleaning tasks. The one that I first meet seems always grumpy because of the never-ending work and I was a bit frightened to ask for anything at first. Anyway after several meals I began to know her (mood) better and I can see that she is getting along well with other patients and nurses. However she is always the busiest figure in the ward working incessantly from the moment she steps into the ward. Patients eat three meals a day and she have to know who require a special diet, who is fasting etc. at her fingertips. One thing patients are quick to notice the who’s who in the ward, as long as they are not unconscious. Then they will know who to direct their request to whenever they need something. Sometimes I think they will rather all patients are comatose, then they don’t need to feed them and be sure that they won’t create any problem at all.

The assistants on the other hand are there to assist in the running of the hospital. They bring patients to various tests, dispose the clinical waste and manage the supplies. When it’s time for my CT scanning the guy just popped in and put me on a wheel chair. I don’t know is that a routine or a policy to use wheelchair for fetching patients because in my case I obviously still can walk. I understand that they trying to save time for the imaging process. However I felt slightly disempowered sitting in a wheelchair. Not that I am fussy about the hospital procedures but the feeling just strike me. In the past when I was reading the sociology textbooks I always wonder why people are so finicky and concern about all the small details in the patient-doctor encounter. Who on earth will care about things like gender inequality when they are very sick? Well now I know the answer.

The doctor above all is the people that care the least about the patients. They only come in at their own sweet time, make sure that you are not die yet, take the history and do whatever they need and then leave all the patient care to the nurses and housekeepers. Sadly enough despite all the sociology textbooks have been harping on to treat the patient as an individual, To them I am nothing more that a living pathological specimen lying there awaiting to be salvaged. Having taken all they want, they will just analyze your history and try to find out what’s wrong with you. If they are uncertain they will rush you to all sort of uncomfortable even painful tests. I think they just get a kick out of solving a jigsaw puzzle and if the puzzle is too badly torn (because of the illness or iatrogenic), they will just discard the puzzle and go for a new one. Just happen that I was reading a book by Michael Sparrow about tales of a country doctor. He was advised by a senior surgeon that “you will never become a good surgeon, or even a good doctor, until you have filled an entire graveyard with your mistakes.” (p114). So this is the kind of words they whisper outside the ward, I started to feel a strong distaste for doctors despite the fact that it is my future career also.

And the patient at last. The only poor fellow in the hospital who is only asking for a good night sleep and peace of mind. Unfortunately his peace is often disrupted by those uncaring doctors and overcaring nurses. Sometimes I think that excessive medical interventions are causing more harm than good to the patients. My neighbour next bed was suffering from a reaction from the penicillin administered. Starting from an arm fracture he ended up worse than when he first came in. Quoting statement in the critique of biomedicine: half of the drugs prescribed in the hospital are used to correct the side-effects of the primary medication, it appears to me now it is true that more people are suffering from iatrogenic effect of medicine…

Despite all the conflicting agendas of four groups of people, I still think that everybody enjoy staying in the hospital though. As a patient I am having a good break as I am momentarily excused from my duty and responsibilities. This is termed the “sick role” in sociology which a lot of busy people like me are more than welcome to take up the role for an occasional break in the hectic life. I am just carefree of my own illness as the doctors will take care of them. All I do is just sit back and relax, meal will be served at regular time. Strangely enough I had been having the most high-cholesterol food in my life in this 3 days despite I had informed them of my hypercholesterolemia.

There are no free lunch in this world though. Later in the day a lady came to me claiming to be an officer from the patient account department. I had been expecting the bill since my first day and finally the doom came. To my delight I was charged at the same rate as the Irish which i dunno what it means but i supposed is a good thing. Anyway I don't care and I just want to enjoy my holiday wholeheartedly until I was discharged.

The Golden Law (of Sarcasm)

2006-10-18T17:11:00.000+01:00

Murphy’s Law #28: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

When I first saw the poster of the Murphy’s Law in the tourist centre of the Cliff of Moher, Galway, I was very impressed by those witty lines. I was amused and at the same time applauded the wisdom of the author for making such insightful views of life. To a certain extent, the laws are very true albeit in a cynical way. And sadly enough, I had just verified two of the laws in person today.

There was more tension in the air in my third meeting with Michelle, just as I expected and prepared for. However one thing that never cross my mind is how many people actually involved in this. She wasn’t the person that did the sum. Somebody did it and there were somebody else who were in charge of the inspection. There were a whole host of parties involved and I had no idea who shall be responsible to this. This only complicated the whole thing and there was no point confronting Michelle because she seriously doesn’t know anything. Looks like I had been blaming the wrong person.

But this time she seemed to be outraged, due to my allegation. She must be thinking that I was trying to find trouble with her. However she managed to keep her temper and dealt with me composedly, even when I pointed out the fact that my housemates did not incur the same charge as I did. Murphy’s Law #30: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Instead she tried to convince me that the charge was probably not put down in the sheet so my friends did not notice it. She noted quickly that I did not have evidence. She is smart.

In the end of the day, I had to give up because of the insurmountable technical difficulties with evidence. I went back home staring at my poster and pondering. I love my poster but I would not want to be part of the depiction. So smile… because anything than can go wrong, will go wrong…

张智成-莫非定律
专辑:listen to me

friday night
就在这城市
上百万人次,
努力摆脱小寂寞
这是joe
那是jane
随机认识
如果没感觉还有下一次 ha
每个场景都太类似
开始觉得没意思
不如呆在家里
喝挂自己
港剧日剧韩剧 discovery
眼睛酸好过大家抢帐单
有预感
今晚好象会有些不一样
你被安排坐我对面
oh my god好亮
控制住 huh
不要连waiter都把我看穿
你的意见并不多
一开口却都和我相反
爱情观
价值观
波斯湾
av女优宠物电玩
没有一样我们一样
重点是我喜欢怎么办
爱上你的 baby 你没有反应
你动了心 honey 她爱理不理
谁也躲不开
爱的莫非定律
你要放弃
还是要好好珍惜
帅哥爱上恐龙
美女独守闺中
网友一定超重
期待一定会落空
这世界充满了这么多不完美
为甚么还要继续做梦
你说你认识的男生都一样
下半身思考上半身智障
吓我一跳
我的下半身从来都不会思考
该不会有甚么故障
这个joe不断附和你的意见
那个jane频频对我抛媚眼
简直浪费我宝贵的时间
我好想为我刚才的臭屁道歉
爱情没有谁会赢
而且永远不公平
有感觉不玩也不行
无法抗拒say
may i love you
yes i do
莫非定律我很甘愿
闭上眼睛 baby
想象去火星
告别地球你是唯一的移民
剩下这一夜谁陪你等黎明
你最珍惜就是你最爱的心
那天joe告诉我说
其实jane并不是很适合她
所以在他们两个人发生一夜情过后
就不再联络
之后就在聊天室上交了很多很多的好朋友
结果
他终于找到一个很适合他的女孩子
所以他就想说约她出来
看看长什么样子
很神奇的就是
这个女孩子竟然就是jane
难道这就是就是莫非定律吗
爱上你的 baby

The Confrontation -- Preview

2006-10-17T14:39:00.001+01:00

日有所思：三顾茅庐，必有所得，此乃史典所鉴。今日一役若不胜反败的话，我会一把火把整个茅庐给烧掉。

I verified with two of my housemates and they all confirmed that they were not charged for apartment cleaning. Now it is quite clear now UCC accommodation is lying!! I am going to confront that idiot Michelle to get back my money. But first I have to prepare my words lest the last Wednesday event will recur. Plus I need to get someone that is firm and articulate to back me up.

I demand an explanation for this.

I verified with my all housemates and there is no such thing as an apartment cleaning charge.

It is clearly something wrong now.

You might want to tell me what is actually going on now.

You should be the one to produce the evidence that this charge exist, if it does exist at all.

At first you said there is a cleaning charge and then you tampered with the database in order to cover up the whole thing.

Are you trying to fool me?

I am taking this very seriously. I consider this as a fraud.

You can deny it but I warn you, things can get really nasty when I make a report to your superior or even to the garda.

Your integrity is really questionable.

I will lodge a complaint against you and your company.

The conspiracy

2006-10-14T10:29:00.000+01:00

Medical Indicator: Paranoia is an excessive anxiety or fear concerning one's own well-being which is considered irrational and excessive, perhaps to the point of being a psychosis. This typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a likely threat, or a belief in a conspiracy theory.

In this post-911 era, virtually everything can be turned into a conspiracy. Some Americans truly believe that the 911 saga is just one of the plots of the Washington government as a grand excuse to invade Iraq and then take over the lucrative oil export. On the other hand, there are the Arabic people that firmly think that 911 never happen before, “what you saw was actually the media tricks, a prefect wield of Hollywood technology to create a scene to the whole world, a scene that never exist.” “All media lie,” is his conclusion, which inevitably makes his words become a lie as well as the interview was shown in the CNN.

So, back to the deposit matter. I confronted Micelle the first time to no avail. However based on what my other friends told me, I strongly think that there was something fishy. So I went back to the Spires to check on the database. The receptionist seemed a bit uneasy when I make my request, and he straight call his manager to deal with me. Hmm, strange enough, as if you don’t have the authority to access the database. The manager came swiftly and showed me the database. There was a prominent comment left on ALL of my housemates’ entries that our apartment was allegedly left dirty, but no detail of what type of cleaning available. The second strange thing that I notice was that among all the people that were charge for cleaning, only our entries were left with comments. Too conspicuous that it became suspicious. When I questioned her about the amount charge for cleaning, she simply showed me the book of accommodation regulations citing the charge liable for cleaning an apartment, meaning that I could had be charged more.

My second attempt to uncover the truth was in vain. I was so disappointed. The manager must have tampered with the database to create the false evidence… wait a moment, I should have check the date the database last modified. Aiya! Now I lost the only piece of proof. I am afraid that I have to accept the reality now. Although everything looks kind of fishy, it could be also because I am being paranoid. I remember an old folk story [亡斧臆邻] about a guy that suspects his neighbour stolen his axe. Whenever he sees his neighbour he feels that he is hiding something from him. Until one day when he finally retrieves his axe, the very acts and gestures of the neighbour are no longer dubious. By the way, why would all these people gang up just to cheat my 25 euros? that doesn't sound reasonable.

So should I believe in their story despite all the weird, dodgy things? Or should I believe my gut instinct instead?

Between Excuse me and Thank you

2006-10-11T16:42:00.000+01:00

After staying one year in Ireland, I gradually assimilates into the western culture by picking up some common greetings. Every time I meet somebody the conversation will invariably encompass a few phrases of excuse me or thank you. This way of greeting has been working fine all the while until something happened today.

I was supposed to reclaim my deposit from The Spires as there is some miscalculation in the refund letter that I received. The refund is 25 euros less than what it is supposedly correct figure. 25 is not a small sum that I can just close my eye and ignore it. So I decided to demand for a pay back for the discrepancy.

After making several visits to The Spires, the final outcome turn out to be null. I was told that the 25 euros charge was on the database but not put on the letter. W-t-f. When I went to Micelle, the manager, to ask for an explanation, she simply replied me everyone was charged for that.

I was so disappointed when I walked out of the University Hall reception,. When I think back I felt that something was very wrong. In principle that is clearly her fault and she owe me an apology and she didn’t say so. Plus, There is no way apartment cleaning could be that pricey. I think I was cheated. However I ended up saying thank you to her when I left the reception.

I think something is lacking in my greeting style. I am always in a polite and friendly situation but now this is a different context. I am fighting for something and Excuse me and thank you do not seemed to be the most appropriate phrases to use. Or not sufficient I would say. Yea, something of stronger emotion and more aggressive should be added to my vocabulary. Then I have the inspiration.

From now on my amended expression will be:

Excuse me… sorry to bother you.

FUCK YOU… for messing up the whole thing.

Thank you… for your help.

That’s the word between Excuse me and Thank you.

厚黑

2006-10-08T19:49:00.000+01:00

Daily Thought: Winners are willing to do what losers won’t (by David)

Zack challenged people to kiss the birthday girl by volunteering himself to do it first. This trick works because we admittedly don’t have to courage to do that. Everyone has different consideration on kissing while it is arguably a socially acceptable act. You can't dispute the rule, can't object the game and perhaps you just cannot escape. So inevitably every guy on the spot except the bold one became a loser. But think back, does the embarrassment really matters a lot?

In the real world that is what it takes to become a winner. A thick face and a sheer disregard of people's opinion and the social norm. 脸够厚，心够黑。 This is theory of success written by 李吾宗。In this era of globalization you can't always resort to the excuse that “this is not our norm”. If that is the rule, accept it and play by it. Only the winners are willing to do what losers won’t. The same goes for love life as well. If you are not bold enough to show your love, how can you impress your gal amongst other guys? If Romeo never dare to elope with Juliet, there won’t be any legendary love story evolved. Sometimes you just need to do something radical to accomplish that, notwithstanding the associated risks and ribbing from others.

刘墉说过：贞操就像盒子的锁，挡得了君子，挡不了小人。——《你不可不知的人性2》

在人生的路上，君子永远只能是Losers.

行善

2006-10-07T23:16:00.000+01:00

Daily Thought: He who waits to do a great deal of good at once, will never do anything.

勿以善小而不为；勿以恶小而为之。善恶非一日之寒，秋去冬来旷时寒流方能成冰。行小善，积大德，日子有功，涓涓细流可以汇成汪洋，孜孜滴水可以凿穿石壁。

佛教最基本的教育就是诸恶莫做，众善奉行。我以前常想行善是长大以后的事。等我做了医生开始赚钱，我就有很多行善的机会和本钱。甚至是隐姓埋名一次过捐一大笔钱，那才比较可观。

不过想想，如果我平日都没有回应我的恻隐之心，我怎能期待自己长大后会忽然变成善长仁翁呢？行善是一种习惯，需要培养和坚持，而不是被动的等待机缘。这就是Joe的签语饼告诉我的话。

Sarcasm

2006-10-07T18:21:00.000+01:00

Daily Thought: One need a considerable understanding of the cultural background to understand sarcasm.

Sometimes I find it hard to catch the jokes or sarcastic remarks uttered. People thought that I am stern and serious which maybe cause me to be devoid of naming games or mockery. Or because I don’t know how to respond accordingly thus practically I am not a fun guy. I guess I may be just a bit less intuitive in ribbing but now I think there are more cultural reasons to that.

Ford Prefect is the alien from Betelgeuse in the sci-fi “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. He looks just like an ordinary Earthman with normal appearance. One thing is that after staying on earth for 15 year he still quite often fails to notice sarcasm unless he is concentrating. Not that he is unintelligent or have not master the language, he just don’t have the cultural background of a human to comprehend the apparent opposite meaning of Arthur’s words.

Bearing Prefect’s image in mind, now I think I am just like an alien trying to blend himself with the environment, attempting to make sense of jokes and sarcasm. I still thought that “Loser” is nothing more than just “a person that lose” until I check the dictionary to find out its derogatory connotation. And I always have to refer back when reading Scott Adam’s comics.

Implication: When learning a new language, you can always gauge your cultural understanding by reading the jokes section.

王力宏 - 不可能错过你

口白：
can you speak english?...那讲中文...
可是我的中文也不太好...对...
而且你的笑话我都听不太懂....不好意思

有时候只需要　一首歌就能　让我自在
忘掉要排队　空气湿答答　店员很坏
就是这个时候　有一朵玫瑰在我心盛开
就在这个时候　阳光跟着撒下来　看见整个城市　在恋爱

不可能错过你　缘份这件事有够奇怪　我不期待　却偏要来
不可能错过你　爱情总叫人迫不及待　多么愉快　自由自在
（我就是自由自在）

我和紫阿姨有个约会

2006-10-02T17:06:00.000+01:00

我和紫阿姨在Main Rest 道别。今天是她逗留在Cork的最后一天，她即将乘搭下午的飞机回新加坡。

紫阿姨前个星期到来这里。因为外面旅馆昂贵，所以便暂时下榻在我们的居所。为表谢意，她决定煮一顿晚餐给我们。我临时有事离开，没有口福。但紫阿姨决定待我回来时进行另一个聚餐。她的友好程度已超过了初次见面相识的阶段。后来她留下了一封感谢函，里头夹着一张50大钞，而信件内容充满神话（神的话语），我才明白她的意图原来不是那么简单的。

她是个zealot. 此行送儿子前来读书，她仍不忘要向两个见面不到8个小时的陌生人传教，她的热诚由此可见一斑。第一顿晚餐她就祭出圣经故事来开始她的游说。两晚过后连Julian 都有点不敢恭维了。星期日那天，我们决定派Sean 去推掉这场约会。结果下午他带着大包小包回来，说是紫阿姨招待我们的。这些东西还附带着来自天国的讯息——教堂弥散的时间。礼物攻势，我两年前也领教过这招。我虽然两次都没有和她正式会面，但她的盛情却令我永难忘怀。

临行前她不忘再三叮咛我要赴约。她说：敞开你的心去接受这神圣的礼物，不要一下子就否定。我想要解释一番却不得要领。在紫阿姨的面前我只有点头的份。

我和紫阿姨有个约会，那是一场我不会赴的约会。

Stirer

2006-09-30T23:22:00.000+01:00

Stirer—— 搅动场面的人

They stir up trouble, agitate the situation

唯恐天下不乱的人
用耸动的字眼、歪曲的逻辑制造纷乱、挑起事端、激起麻烦
然后坐观热闹，拍手叫好。

被作弄的人不好发作又不能苛责
因为他的出发点是为了把场面搞热起来、为大家开心。

我想我们既然愿意捧场，乐得旁观，我们的心里其实也有stirer 的一面。
我们都爱看城门失火，却又怕殃及池鱼，但为什么没有人愿意致电消防部呢？

数飞机

2006-09-24T22:33:00.000+01:00

Daily Thought: People cultivate a lot of weird hobbies like watching birds when they are bored. In Cork u can have a special enough hobby of aeroplane-watching. Enjoy, ppl of Cork!

我的房间有个很大的窗口。我每天坐在书桌前，看数十架飞机飞过窗口。据说所有从欧洲飞往美国的飞机都会经过Cork。今天我决定架个相机对焦天空，算算有多少架飞机。结果一个下午下来就有超过30架飞机，在高峰时间平均每3分钟就有一架飞机经过。

September 24, 2006, 3:42:04 PM

September 24, 2006, 3:46:08 PM

September 24, 2006, 3:49:42 PM

September 24, 2006, 3:55:02 PM

September 24, 2006, 3:59:06 PM

......

天空航线如此繁忙，估计每分钟地球上空就有2万人呼啸而过。我开始感受到恐怖分子挟持飞机的切身威胁。如果有天某架飞机失事，搞不好就直接坠毁在我家后院，倒就不妙了…

掌心

2006-09-24T22:05:00.000+01:00

Daily Thought: After cutting myself the third time in the kitchen, I decided that I definitely will not in anyway whatsoever become a surgeon. Can u imagine a surgeon cutting his finger in the OR… that’s just ridiculous…

回到爱尔兰后恢复每天煮食的日子。烹煮其实不难，只是材料处理比较麻烦。向来都不擅于肉类食材，今天拆鸡肉结果就给鸡骨划伤了手掌。我看看掌心，一道口子，殷红。马上开水喉冲洗，脑袋里全是关于噬肉菌的恐怖传言。

第二天检视伤口，手心现在多了一条裂痕，就在生命线和智慧线之间。如果说这场意外因此而改变了我的命运，那不是太儿戏了吗？

光亮品冠——掌心

你手中的感情线是不肯泄漏的天机
那也许是我一生不能去的禁区
我到底在不在你掌心还是只在梦境中扎营
在茫茫的天和地寻觅一场未知的感情
爱上你是不是天生的宿命
深夜里梦里总都是你倩影
而心痛是你给我的无期徒刑
摊开你的掌心让我看看你
玄之又玄的秘密
看看里面是不是真的有我有你
摊开你的掌心握紧我的爱情
不要如此用力
这样会握痛握碎我的心
也割破你的掌你的心

爆米花

2006-09-21T11:17:00.000+01:00

2006年9月12日下午3点，我在家中独自吃着爆米花。想到这将是我今年最后一包的甜味爆米花，我不禁有点神伤。爱尔兰的大学生活就像她的咸味爆米花一样，令人难以下咽。还有两天我就要回去面对了。

2006年9月21日晚上8点，我在都珀林的戏院和韩阳一起吃着爆米花。略咸的爆米花配上甜甜的汽水，吃起来也是另一种风味。这时我想起了我在9天前在家里发出的感慨，心里无比轻松。

我不知道什么改变了我。早前Sean提起大学生活，我对回去充满了灰色的想法。我检视我一年所得，竟然只有荒废和败坏两句。我的不安，在下了飞机后就完全不同了。机场装修竣工，看来焕然一新。我走在街道，呼吸着异国的空气，感觉到一切都很好，之前的疑虑都烟消云散了。

回到现场，其实一切没有想象中坏嘛！荒田里还有许多惊喜我未曾发觉。我只是闭门担忧罢了吧。

笑

2006-09-18T16:58:00.000+01:00

从20楼和从2楼掉下来的区别:
〖20楼〗：啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~~啪..
〖2楼〗：啪~~啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

——建鸣

莞尔。

感恩

2006-09-14T22:11:00.000+01:00

万缘和合才能众志成城。能够搭上一架飞机，靠的是机场的建筑与规划，航天技术及造机公司的配合，航空公司和机组人员，机师和地勤人员。汇聚万人之力，才能达致一班顺利的航程。能够使用万人的服务，是何等的福报啊！

我平安的踏足在这异国的土地，纵然面对烦琐的保安检查，我还是要感谢这一切。

代沟

2006-08-20T19:55:00.000+01:00

谁可以跨越时空，预支二十年后的谅解？

《童梦奇缘》讲的就是这样的一个故事。刘德华偶然得到快速成长机会，在大人的世界他开始明白到父亲的苦衷。但真情不敌时光的催促，在年华老去时终于对他的父母释怀。

少年总是叛逆。社会认同这是成长必经的仪式，但冲突始终令人不快。
最后的谅解是误会的消融，还是心境的转变？就像影片的尾声，刘德华和其继母坐在同一棵大树上，看到的家其实值得去用心经营。心里的包袱已经卸下。
谅解不是因为知道得多，而是放下得多。

你相信真相可以解决问题吗？如果未来可以推前，你肯用代价去预支那份感动吗？
如果这份谅解是像橘子一样，要亲自品尝才能了解崮中滋味？也许这就是人生的无奈。等你终于明白酸味，那时的你已不是当年的你了。

浪子回头的情节最令人动容，是许多东西方文学的恒常主题，历久不竭。但这种人生阶段的演变是必然的吗？还是这是社会的主流观点，以符合多数人的心理期许？
如果我们都已预见这种结果，为什么心里仍不敢去面对？

“叛逆是青春的火花，磨耗了坚硬的外壳，剩下的是柔韧的芯。”

政治

2006-08-19T16:17:00.000+01:00

那是一场政治纷争。能干的人一愤之下离开。虽然民心都在他那一方，但离开了权力的核心，他始终只能站在外围。后来当权的人不是在掌声中上台。他自己也明白自己人气不足，不过全凭一股雄心他开始推展自己的抱负。他相信实干就会是最好的证明。不过政治啊，除了实力还要有人脉。计划的实行还是得靠人去推动。组织里还是需要援手。当权的人也不拒绝能干的人插手。于是能干的人在欢呼声中回来了。他企图保持中立及作有限度的帮忙，不过过后他上手后，他就变成了组织中最重要的策划员了。当权的人退到旁边，悄悄地把权力交了出去。当活动落幕，组织的成功是有目共睹的。在庆功的仪式上，能干的人为自己的付出和成果感到无比欣慰。已经没有人在乎他的身份。他俨然是组织的领导。当权的人在第一轮的干杯后在一角落下一滴泪。他始终不明白自己的努力为何不被接受。能干的人因为自己的意气用事输掉了上位的机会。结果他付出了一切却失去了自己应得的奖励。两个人输掉了自己，成全了组织的成功。

我在多年后才明白这是一场政治游戏。任何有名位的团体都有政治。怀才不遇的人孤芳自赏，汲汲营营的人无法享受努力的成果，无得无能的人偏偏位高权重。如果你对这些现象不解，我只能说因为你不懂政治。这世界没有一分耕耘一份收获，只有政治。人与人的关系就是政治。

幻灭

2006-08-17T23:52:00.000+01:00

那是一种梦想幻灭的遗憾。对比令人失望。我只能感慨，却无力改变。困局。
我失去了驾驭的力量。我在全新的荒野拓荒。我犁好了田，却发现那不是我要的果实。我满心欢喜地来到这个新地。我为我踏出的第一步喝彩，却开始失去了走下去的勇气。我不知应该弃守，还是坚持。
我依然风光自在，里面却有股深沉的悲哀。我回头看我遗失的精彩，我为我的前方神伤。
那些逝去的已不再，那些失误不能重来。烦恼的种子已经种下，苦涩即将成熟。我怯于面对，但我避不了收成的季节。
心灰。我走遍了荒野，终于了解到荒田的贫瘠。不再奢望会在荒野遇上良田。
我曾欣喜感恩，如今却一脸无奈。我望天打卦，自嘲至少不用勤耕那么辛苦。
年收不济，苦涩满味。我回到家，用精美的糖纸把果实包装起来，佯装成高级的洋货若无其事的叫卖。

混学记

2006-07-28T21:10:00.000+01:00

参访的旅程来到了博大。今天的景点是food tech faculty.
我们都爱混入别人的学堂上课。此不良风气由显育首开先河，在混入GBS 一年后，老师和巡查员都已经认不出他是外人了。对此显育至今仍引为美谈，沾沾自喜不已。
星期五早上，我坐上国菁的车准备去上课。过了校园门口，门卫没有检查，我算正式混入博大。
上课有什么好玩？我一走进课室，就在国菁的介绍下和她的朋友会面。大家互相招呼，俨然是同班同学，让那些不知情的旁人则看得一愣愣的。了解国内大专的上课情形是我的参访的主要目的。上别人的课，既可以学到新知识，又不用背负考试的压力，我也乐得在此旁听。这堂课讲的是原料处理，其中还有一些物理的应用。下课后我还趁机问了教授一个问题。大马的学生一向来都不擅发问。我如果能够问上几个有水准的问题唬一唬教授也是爽，只是可惜课程内容相当简单，我只好作罢。
学习本来就应该轻轻松松，考试制度真的是让学习本末倒置了。

看医生

2006-07-26T16:04:00.000+01:00

第二次造访医生。都是因为皮肤问题。
医生很年轻，三十未满。我指给他看症状，他立即就能说出病因来。他也不看多两眼就径自开药方。两次都是这样。我有点不习惯，这和我一贯被灌输的“小心检查”有冲突。我有点担心。但碍于我还没学到皮肤病，也许他诊断的这类症状其实相当普遍。

我在想以后读Pathology 时书上会不会注明：某某病症非常普遍，所以以后我诊断时就可以缩小范围？还是实习久了，对那些家常便病就会变得得心应手？

我长了颗唇胞。医生说是咬伤化疤，要抽出里面的血液。说完就拿出针筒望着我。光凭想象我就觉得有点恐怖，于是我便拒绝他的提议。医生也不放弃，笑着对我说要当医务人员就要有“自插”的勇气。他自毕业后就自己抽血，也不假手于人。他还说自己曾不施麻药动手把脚上的疮自行割除。

我知道我迟早要面对“敢敢插/割”的勇气问题。我也相信屠夫玩刀久了就敢用屠刀刮胡子。我知道他在给我信心，于是我就答应了。

针管插入唇胞。不久黄色的液体就流了出来。我感到唇胞一下就消了。嘿。

付钱。果然不便宜。Ben 说过GP 是工作最辛苦钱挣最少的。我观察到医生其实有很多门路可以捞钱。连社险的申请表格都有代理。

这里最常开出的药应该是抗生素。我观察到医生开药从不须检查抗药性，每次都用wide band 抗生素就万无一失了。细菌抗药性？谁理？有些问题，例如全球暖化的问题，都是有很多人谈论却没人要真正去补救的。

飘泊记

2006-07-26T13:50:00.000+01:00

自返马之后，真正留在家里的时间不多，我又开始到处游玩了。从停泊岛到巴厘岛，我马不停蹄。觉得自己真是闲不住的人，总爱四处猎奇、观光、参访。我在飘泊中找到安定，在流浪中感应存在。就像海上的浮萍，风平浪静时有点迷茫，飘泊时才能感觉到自己的存在。

明天我即将前往多事之城UPM.

空洞的赞美

2006-06-02T21:40:00.000+01:00

空洞的赞美
令人觉得肤浅
例牌的道歉
让人怀疑诚意
滥用礼貌
是伪装的表现

20060602
Play football

blogeer

2006-05-28T21:32:00.000+01:00

browsing other people's blogs. finding inspiration. also interesting to read people's minds where they can express their own thoughts better than a forum or ordinary website allows.

决裂

2006-05-17T10:16:00.000+01:00

心情的巅簸
我不想说
静看悲剧降落

无情的决裂
我已无话可说
那天霏雨
整夜未停过

失去你并不是解脱
面对失落的后果
从此悲喜我一个人过

counting lives

2006-05-15T17:38:00.000+01:00

a doctor is given high salary because he deals with life and death of 1 people.
a pilot is given higher salary because he deals with the lives of 400 passengers.
hmm...
so is money proportional to number of lives?
how about an air traffic controller that deals with twenty planes, 10,000 people?......

"Studies show the number of airline passengers will grow from about 600 million per year today to about 1 billion by the year 2008. "

Rte 3 "Blackout Effect"

anticlimax

2006-05-15T01:45:00.000+01:00

mayb i had too much expectation. when all exams come to an end and the long waited holiday set in finally, i am not as excited as i think i would be. yea i am completely free now, so what...... a bit anticlimax......

i start surfing net, reading books, watching series, doing all the things that i always wanted to do. i am definitely enjoying myself but i still feel lacking in something. not as enjoyable and relaxing when i was stealing my time during the exam times.

i think: leisure means more to peple who have worked hard for it.

absent minded

2006-05-12T15:55:00.000+01:00

20060512
1.30pm
one hour after we finish exam, i found that i was not as delighted that i think i would. feel that the 3hr BH paper jz sucked away all my mind.

2.10pm
wandering in the com lap, boole and the school. still duno wat am i doing here. i think i should have something to do but i just feeling empty.

2.30pm
found that my phone was not in my pocket. must have left it in the exam hall. damn.

2.35pm
completely devastated when the invigilator said they didt find anything. start staring at the student sitting at table 32 in the middle of his exam.

2.40pm
retrieved my phone after unlocking it right in front of the receptionist. luckily i can still remember the pin despite my mind was almost blank.

2.55pm
back to home. still absent minded. lucky didt langgar any tiang.....

休息和走路

2006-05-10T23:04:00.000+01:00

有时会佩服allan的意志力。考试每告一段落，大家都会相聚轻松一下，希望休息后可以走更长远的路。但有的人就是有这份能耐，可以毫无倦怠的继续读下去。昼夜相续，晨昏不断，就一股劲地读下去。这也可算是超人的毅力吧！

如果人生可以不休息，进度应该可以快十倍有余。

但是人生并不只是走路而已。休息不是intron，可以被裁去无碍。只会赶路的人，辜负了沿途的风景，也荒废了自己的生命。赶路的人以为终点就是全部，殊不知过程才是生命的目的。走路，有时只是为了休更久的息。

这个夏天，放下庸碌，悠闲自在。

点播：陈升《六月》

同居

2006-05-09T12:57:00.000+01:00

有人说：同居是婚姻的试金石，如胶似漆的恋人一旦朝夕共处，才发现梦中情人完全变了样。
我说：同居也是友谊的试金石，情同手足的好友同住一个屋檐下，才发现对方的种种习性及癖好。
相见好，同住难，古今屡试不爽。听了太多耳闻口传的故事，见识了千奇百怪的众生相，难免心有余虑、战战兢兢。

2006年6月1日，开始了我和朋友同居一屋的日子。未来四年的同居生涯，会有什么事情发生呢？且让时间解开这一切...

rented... in 5 min

2006-05-08T23:35:00.000+01:00

men always lament on the way women shopping on impulse. men nonetheless are equally impulsive when it comes to buying a car or ... a house.
today we made the most reckless decision in our life... in less than 5 minutes, we decided on a house in summerstown. then we handed in the deposit, and in an hour time, we were already holding the key of the house.

the house is quite ok but r we a bit too desperate?
guess this is the way guys deal with options... 当机立断

(didt u all realise that we actually agreed that the room shouldnt be any smaller than Sean's room?)

p/s after talking others, i think we are so thoughtless and reckless.
we visited the house at night and overlooked so many problems.
we were in a rush and forgot to ask important questions.
we tried to be polite and didt bargain at all.
we think are not being picky... in fact we are juz being slipshod.....

last editted 20060516
after talking to terry....

pp/s 有恃无恐的人可以逞强好胜
没有后台的人只能委曲求全
the advantaged ppl speak of their wants;
the disadvantaged ppl speak of their compromise

after talking to sean

exam syndrome 谵妄

2006-05-06T19:14:00.000+01:00

读医是打一场长战，三五七年不止。
给你山高的书本、海量的知识，加上道德的凝视、伦理的纠结，让你读得面容枯槁、形销骨立、天旋地转；然后期待你披上白褂，变成一个健康的医生，有条不紊地治理病人。
真是置之死地而后生...

医学院能让书呆子之辈加剧奋（斗）不顾身（体）；
但我们自己的醒觉呢？
嗜食饕餮继续享用煎炸快餐；
长期烟民持续吞云吐雾如故。

几时开始医生和健康再也扯不上关系？
我们学习病理学，只想到用在病人身上。为什么考试前总会有股生病浪潮侵袭？真的要置之死地而后生吗？...不知如何料理自己，怎样医治别人？

exam syndrome
characterised by continuous elevated of cortisol
palpitation, dyspnoea, cold clammy hands，hypertension
aggravated by prolonged immobility, lack of exercise
in severe case: derangement, immune disorder, delirium, bs in blogsite etc.

working hard?

2006-05-04T22:03:00.000+01:00

i thought i have been slacking, but comparing with others make me think that i am working very hard;
i thought i have been working very hard, but the exam jz crushed my belief....

i have my own ruler, but i dont know when it really applies...

setback

2006-05-04T17:22:00.000+01:00

a good beginnning is only halfway to success.
faced setback today. right in front of CVS. sigh.
终于知道什么是“面露菜色”了。

dreadful start

2006-05-02T15:33:00.000+01:00

in addition... dont go to bed with an empty stomach...
gosh... cant sleep all night jz bcuz i m hungry....walau-a

advice for all exam candidates

2006-05-02T00:26:00.000+01:00

pls be refrain from doing things that can impair ur ability to go to the exam. for example, stop cooking as u may injure ur fingers... dont sleep on the table... nerve compression... exercise like push-up... terry... u may hurt ur arm...
jz a piece of advice...

a clean slate

2006-04-28T00:03:00.000+01:00

just hope that life can start over with a new slate. delete whatever undesirable past history by one click, like deleting ur internet hx.

but a person without history is jz a blank soul. no past, no u.

still struggling.
积习难返

spanish paella

2006-04-27T21:36:00.001+01:00

learned an exotic recipi -- spanish paella! wonderfully tastety... last time. jz cook the shrimp with vege, season with lime juice and also steam the mussels. then fry the rice, here comes the secrect ingredient-- saffron... it makes the whole dish! putting it pinch by pinch, strring in the vege and shrimp and finally adding the mussels... done.
turn out it wasnt as tastety as that i had last time. mayb bcuz i didt hv scallops this time? curious...

anyway thanks emily... a meal that means alot to me... exotic flavour ... enhancing bonds...
if i cant really talk well, then let the dishes speak for me...

stay sane, stay happy

2006-04-27T18:34:00.000+01:00

important to stay sane!! so that u wont become supersaturated... too obssessed... until u lose ur mind...
talk! communicate! there is not only u and books in this world...
exercise! move it! increase Q to wash away all the stagnant blood...
when u noe how to cope and u will overcome it...

4 days countdown to exam...

下厨记言2

2006-04-26T22:46:00.000+01:00

一个女人怎样会慢慢变成黄脸婆？在厨房忙得昏天暗地...然后开始发现身上充满油烟味...
shit，我快要成为黄脸公了！！

domestic accident

2006-04-26T17:50:00.000+01:00

上得山多终遇虎
when u hv been cooking for so long u noe one day it will happen. accident. it happens in the most unpredictable way. i always think that i may cut myself when i was chopping. turn out... i was injured by the edge of a can.

fine. somehow relieved when it has happened. weird? something that u r not expecting but u noe it will come to u... think i m superstitious...

misfortune?

2006-04-26T17:38:00.000+01:00

does it make u happier when ur misfortune actually causes misfortune to somebody else? mayb you will feel sorry for her, or do u giggle at the prospect that somebody is more unlucky than u?
on the other hand, when she is considering herself unlucky, did it ever cross her mind that i am unlucky today? will she b happier to know abt this? or will she b more considerate?

there are all sorts of unlucky people in this world. if we acknowledge that everyone has his own problems, will we become more considerate, less grumble, more tolerance and hence more peace?

20060426
disturbed somebody in the histo lab until she cannot study.

suicide bombers

2006-04-17T14:38:00.000+01:00

"捐躯赴国难，视死乎如归"
devoting life and sacrificing for the country,
looking upon death as mere going home.

how much courage does it take to go for a sure-die mission?

想当年的敢死队都不及这班必死队。

就在爆炸一瞬间，将所有理想、生命、国怨付之一炬。

die a glorius death. die for the country.

死有轻于鸿毛，或重于泰山。

为什么这么多泰山都动摇不了以色列呢？

遗憾的是，每当询及自杀式袭击时，我的穆斯林朋友都会说：这是“迫于无奈”，“对强权的消极反抗”，才会出此下策...

持续为这种行为辩护，等于是在怂恿更多年轻人投身此队伍。

Continued justification of these actions is just like abetting more youths to join the group of suicide bombers.

20060417 Israel bombing.

Neuma X

2006-04-16T20:00:00.000+01:00

Neuma X- projection of the craziness in dream?

The wildest dream that I ever have. With speeding, rebellion, sex, vitality, love and jealousy. The story (dream) started in a school, in a form of comic. The lead fell in love with this stranger girl in school. When he is buying some colour sprays in the shop, he caught sight of his best fiend kissing the girl. Then he dashed out of the shop only to learn that his best friend actually knew the girl previously and they pretended not to recognize each other in school because of some previous conflicts.
The Result? Gf-sharing! Unbelievable! The girl joined our group and here starts the speeding part.

First spraying the car. Wanton coloration.
The ultimate speeding of 300 km/h. I wasn’t the driver however. I was sitting at the back seat. At the maximal speed I was thrown to the centre of the car. Everything just receding at an incredibly fast speed.
All the rear mirrors are shattered.
There was one fellow on the street that was as crazy as us and he tried to stop our vehicle. He failed of course. The aside was “I can feel the vibration and I knew that the car won’t stop.” Huh!

Then the driver leave his seat and leave the car to run by its own. Here comes the juicy part. People f*ing the girl in the car. One by one. Sorry No detail available.

In the later part, the highway comes to an end but the driver is not back yet! We come to a junction and I managed to turn the car. Phew!
Later we send the girl back to her home. We are leaving the scene and I ask where are we going now. It appears to be so real and fat guy beside me answer that we are in a movie, adapted from the Japanese comic “Neuma- X”. now showing in Malaysia. I replied that I thought it was a dream cuz I dozed off just now and they all burst into laughter.

Then I wake up. It was a dream.

Seemed like a weird combination of the movie “Initial D” and Victor’s narration.
Then I googled the animation “neuma-X”. then I figured out that might be “pneumothorax”.
Err. Exam stress… ah…

20060416 nap, after missing the football game.

Piration Hub

2006-04-13T14:36:00.000+01:00

when pirating become so easy, when entertainment easily accessible.
i detracted from the value of a good movie. i store but i dont watch. i watch but i dont appreciate.

making something free is the most effective way to devalue it.

especailly arts.

a reflection, after dwloaded 6 movies and countless songs.

life

假装

转变

生命回潮

现在我很可怜

入世太深

21岁的洗礼

规避的理由

不留

留话

执迷不悔

隔岸绿茵

择食

点菜之前请决定

Berani kerana benar

第三者言

Animals Rights

11 Issues For ethical consideration

Surprise, it’s sweet!

Surprise! Mum’s coming

枕头

心头发热

自取其辱

树敌

坐看云起时

Dark(o) fantasy 黑暗想象

Rainy day.

Worries of a phish

历史

In Bree’s closet

回来

Tales From the cubicle no. 10

The Golden Law (of Sarcasm)

The Confrontation -- Preview

The conspiracy

Between Excuse me and Thank you

厚黑

行善

Sarcasm

我和紫阿姨有个约会

Stirer

数飞机

掌心

爆米花

笑

感恩

代沟

政治

幻灭

混学记

看医生

飘泊记

空洞的赞美

blogeer

决裂

counting lives

anticlimax

read more physics before u come and talk to me about "noise"

absent minded

休息和走路

同居

rented... in 5 min

exam syndrome 谵妄

working hard?

setback

dreadful start

advice for all exam candidates

a clean slate

spanish paella

stay sane, stay happy

下厨记言2

domestic accident

misfortune?

suicide bombers

Neuma X

Piration Hub